Hatchet’s have a great night at Dunder, match tied 2-2

Friday night saw the Herston Hatchets skip their scheduled match against Thorneside to go on a pub crawl in Fortitude Valley. This decision was made after Drinks captain Michael Gibney proposed that due to the Hatchets 4-nil victory over UQ Law the weekend before they deserved the night out and if they were losing by the 2nd half they’d get a cab back early to kick a few in. With their opponents, Thorneside, coming off three straight losses it seemed this was the perfect opportunity to take a night off. Unfortunately for the Hatchets, Thorneside were able to tactically use this move by the Hatchets to secure a 2-all draw and get their first point for the season.

The match was held a three hour drive east of Brisbane, which you may think is in the ocean, but is actually in a little backstreet known as Thorneside. Thorneside warmed up by passing a packet of fags around, while the Hatchets warmed up by putting Gibney under a [5] minute goon layback. Finishing their pre-game ritual both teams were ready to take to the pitch. By which I mean Thorneside took the pitch and the Hatchets headed to Ric’s.


The Hatchet’s set up at the start of the night in Ric’s. Note – strong bar presence by forward and USMLE legend Collin Greer.

The start of the match saw immediate pressure being put on the slightly under-manned Hatchets, who were not able to maintain control of the centre of the dance-floor. In the 5th minute, an unfortunate moment of incoordination by the Dutch bomber, Sjors Plugge, saw him spill a beer on the girl Sam Grace was trying to chat-up. This mistake allowed Thorneside to get a one-on-one with goal keeper Graves, who couldn’t jump on the grenade, and put Thorneside up 1-0 at the outset.

Rallying the boys, Moonie Singh called a round of shots and got the Hatchets back in line. With the ongoing strong fitness of Michael Gibney, the Hatchets were able to utilise the left-side of the dance floor convincingly, sending Gibney deep with several drinks in short succession. Several one-two’s down the left side, and a quick pass-of-the-beer to Dan Edey, who was waiting on the right side of the box, let Edey ease the beer down and have a volley on goal. The shot, inspired by Hatchets’ striker extraordinaire Collin Greer, was aimed directly at the goal-keeper, who deflected it. Fortunately for Edey, his wing-man was close by; Moonie Singh was able to come through and close the deal, bring the scores back even 1-1, and sending the Hatchets back to the bar for another round.

Seeing how on-form the Hatchets were at cutting shapes, Thorneside winger #26 started getting frustrated. This culminated in a cheap shot on keeper Alex Graves. Graves was on the ground trying to find the tenner he dropped while shouting the last round, when #26 came through at full speed and kicked Graves in the Alex Graves’ Specials. The bouncer, impressed by the player’s audacity, but needing to maintain some form of control at the bar, awarded the player a yellow card. With that the half drew to a close 1-1, and Thorneside retreated to the smoking area.

The start of the second half saw the Hatchets hit their stride, peak level tipsy, and not slurring too much. Having moved on from Ric’s to The Flying Cock at this point, the boys were in total control of the bar. Collin Greer was making long runs through the centre, dancing on three or four defensive players at a time. With Rocky Kang deflecting every assault from the guy in the stringlet (#26), the boys were looking dangerous. It wasn’t long until another beer, shouted by Moonie Singh, sent down the outside, passed into the middle and then given directly to Andrew Welch paid off. Andrew slammed the beer in record time, bamboozling the Thorneside goal keeper and putting the Hatchets back in front.

In celebration of this fantastic move by Andrew, the fellers thought it was a good time to move to Dunder, with the game only having 15 minutes to go and the bouncer having shown 3 yellow cards. This move was not appreciated by #26, who had targeted Andrew after his great form on the last schooner. He waited until Andrew had a quick glance at #26’s girlfriend, who was standing behind the goal, and then tackled Andrew from behind. In fair play, the bouncer saw this move, whipped out a red card, and sent #26 to the cab rank. A man down, playing against a team that were currently at Dunder enjoying $3 basics, Thorneside were desperate.

The boys were having a great time up until the DJ’s switched out in the last ten minutes of the game. The centre of the dancefloor was now no man’s land with both teams spending their time in their opponent’s half having no luck breaking the other. Thorneside upped the intensity of their slide tackling and the Hatchets’ doubled down on a bottle of Jack on their side of the bar. With the Hatchets’ defensive line reaching the final stages of intoxication, cracks were appearing in their defence. A mistake with two minutes to go saw a Thorneside striker find some space at the front of the dance floor, line up a shot, have it deflect off Adam Beasley, and sneak past Graves, who had retreated to the seating area to care for his jewels. With that, the score was tied 2-2.

In the final moments of the night Hatchets’ striker Greer, while in line for another round, had one last focused effort on a girl at the bar, but the Thorneside defence did well to block him out. Despite getting past four of the defenders, Thorneside kept the determined striker at bay until last call was announced and the teams were ejected from the venue, match tied at 2-2.

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Hatchets stomp out evil in a Hollywood finish

Last Friday night saw a twitching Hatchets line up take the field against last year’s nemesis and season winners, Annerley Axis of Evil. I should say at the start, the Hatchets were twitching because Saturday night was med ball, and some people were already pre-drinking in excitement for the event. Despite this obvious distraction, Hatchets still managed to find a full 15 players for this game, even though only 5 would fit on the Annerley home ground at a time. And after a 24-minute break down of the rules of soccer from our favourite Serbian referee, the high-stakes match up was underway.

Axis of Evil 1

Hatchet’s starting line-up last Friday night.

After an intense five-minutes of game time, Sjors “The Dutch Foreign Legion” Plugge, was removed from the field after a well-placed foot-stomp from the opposition winger. Fortunately for Annerley, the referee was thinking back to the episode of Passions that he had watched that day, and awarded the penalty to the Axis. Shortly after this incident, Dan Edey miraculously found himself with the ball, only to receive a well-placed foot-stomp from the opposition winger. Despite Edey’s calls of ‘he hit me on the nerve’, the referee awarded a penalty to Annerley for disruption of play from the Hatchet’s winger.

Both teams strung together some good passes in the first half, working with the 12” per player available on the field. Several quick through balls and good runs by Collin Greer opened a few opportunities for the Hatchets in the first half, however the fleet footed Annerley keeper managed to deflect Greer’s shots as they were kicked directly at him, but they were pretty firm shots, credit to Greer.

Annerley also managed several quality through-balls and shots in the first half. Fortunately for the Hatchets, defensive midfielder and primary penalty taker Rocky Kang has been working on his ‘iron forehead’ technique, and managed to head out 90% of crosses by the Axis of Evil.

Ending the first half 0-0, the tensions were high as opposing players needed to physically hug each other to fit on the field, and that kind of proximity never bodes well for young men. The first casualty of the second half was a tactical tackle on Dr. Kang in the 62nd minute when we went up for his 92nd defensive header of the game. This tackle found Kang’s legs mid-air and had him land flat-backed on the ground. Penalty was awarded to Axis. Re-taking the field after having a brief cry in the sidelines about the future of dorsiflexion in his right foot, Dan Edey ran on to a quality through ball from Greer. Having a defender either side and realising the lack of dorsiflexion in his right foot was limiting his maximum pace on the ball, Edey attempted to slide-tackle the ball into the goal from 30 yards. Ambitious yes, approved by the ref – no. Edey was shortly removed from the field.

The second half saw even lower quality football than the first half, with both teams having manpower on the pitch, but lacking the space to set up any plays to break the strong defensive play on both sides. While Tim Thorn practiced his verbal riposte on the opposition captain, Georges Mehawed showed why the hatchet’s had bought him this season – holding the ball up in midfield for the Hatchets on nearly every play and restricting opposition attacks to the wing, where Rocky Kang’s well trained head was positioned.

With all the action occurring on the field, one cannot forget the real Hatchet’s hero, Tej Sidhu, who has been holding the highly respected position of bench-manager this season, took the field. With two minutes remaining in the game it was a bold move from Tej, who hasn’t had game time since 2006 when his Under 13 team came second in Melbourne U13 Div 5 – a season when Tej was also bench manager.

Possibly due to the bench-manager’s arrival in the game, or due to a great penalty layup by Rockie Kang, with only 2 minutes to go the Hatchets posted the first score of the game. Yet another slide tackle from Axis gave Kang an indirect at the half-way line, which was 20 yards from the goal. A long, floating penalty kick found the smooth, perfectly waxed head of Moonie Singh, and slid on into the top right corner, putting Hatchets 1-0 up.

With only two minutes to go, the referee called full-time anyway, as he heard a Passions re-run was starting in 15 minutes, leaving the final score at 1-0 towards the hatchets, a small consolation with the goal deficit they are now trying to claw back. Alex Graves won man-of-the-match.

Stay tuned for Saturday’s report, where the Hatchets take on both UQ Law and UQ Economics in a medium-stakes, average-octane inter-faculty football and jargon-based-bants tournament.

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The Herston Hatchets have affirmed capitalism as the premiere economic system of the modern world, overcoming the Bolsheviks 4 goals to 2.  The Hatchets were coming off an 10-0 loss last week after haemolytic anaemia ravaged the team’s offensive line, meaning only six Hatchets and two very special helpers could take to the field.  As such, the team from Herston was keen to return to the winners list at CJ Greenfield Park.

The Hatchets started well, with numerous opportunities in the opening minutes.  Eventually, it was up to ex-college legend Sam Grace to coolly slot the ball into the bottom corner off the half volley. I saw it from the bench it was wicked, but not as wicked as Sam was when he was King of Cromwell College. Thus, only six minutes in, the Hatchets were 1-0 up, and proceeded to park the proverbial bus.

In a similar manner to Mujahedeen insurgents repelling waves of Soviets in the Soviet-Afghan wars of 1979, the Hatchet’s were able to repel some crisp offensive play from the Bolsheviks, with US foreign aid coming from Trey McHale in offense. Frustration started to show in the opponent’s style, and at one point the Cold War heated up into open warfare. Sjor’s leg was the first causality, with Tej’s temper soon to follow.  Fortunately, the referee was a true diplomat and at half time, the score was still 1-0 in the Hatchets’ favour.

The start of the second half found Putin’s Pioneers wanting, and the fleet of foot Moonie Singh managed to coolly slot the ball into the bottom corner off the half volley.  He followed in up in almost identical fashion only one minute later, penetrating the iron curtain from behind before coolly slotting the ball into the bottom corner off the half volley.  The Hatchet’s rampage was not done yet though, as only two minutes later, some cheeky footwork from Trey set up Dan Edey with a long shot from nearly half field.  Luckily, Edey was able to coolly slot the ball into the bottom corner off the half volley.  In the space of only 4 minutes, the Hatchets had amassed an unassailable four goal lead.

However, the Bolsheviks were not yet done with the game.  After adopting a new formation (image below), the Red Army played with renewed gusto.  Some sharp passing set up a goal in the 60th minute from K. Marx.  A lack of bipartisan support led to a second goal being scored by Lenin.  Worry began to tether on the fringe of many a young Hatchet’s mind, with memories of the loss against The Warriors in the 2016 semi-final still fresh.

However, the Hatchet’s defensive line was excellent, blocking out all further attempts to spread Communist propaganda, and the game finished with a two goal victory to Herston.


Formation used by Bolsheviks in second Russian civil war second half of soccer game.

Three rounds into the season, the Hatchets are looking as stable as a democratically elected government.

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Knockout cup round 2: Hatchets cleave school children

Written by Michael Gibney

The Herston Hatchets have started their FA Cup campaign in inspired form, demolishing Colleges United 8-3.

Winter had sent out its first chorionic villi, and there was a general chill on the air as the game began.  Alex was watchful as ever in defence, and braved the cold weather with the use of some audacious leggings.  Additionally, the team donned rainbow coloured laces to symbolise their full support of Rainbow Six Siege Las Vegas™.

It didn’t take long for the Hatchets to propel into the lead.  Collin’s well maintained semitendinoses launched him past the hapless defence.  A lateral cross found Moonie Singh who was waiting at the right iliac fossa of the six yard box, and was able to tuck the ball away into the epigastric region of the goals. Everyone was impressed by the team play, besides bench manager Tej Sidhu, who was critical of the College’s defence and thought Collin got lucky.

Only moments later the Hatchets lead was consolidated, with Collin again dribbling past the Colleges’ right back and crossing the ball into the box.  This time, the ball found Trey right on the talus and he was able to put the ball deep into McBurnies point.

The crowd (thankyou to Natalie, Conor and the other girl for the support) cheered as the Hatchets went up 2-0, except for Tej, who thought it was “really poor defence and a filthy goal”.

In a display of generosity typical of the Hatchets, some good offensive work saw the Hatchets concede two goals before half time. Tej thought that Colleges strung together a few “really nice passes” and displayed some “raw skill” to put two away. Always quick to react, the Hatchets changed their 1-1-8 field back to 4-4-2, and the flow of goals against them quickly dried up.

Finally taking the field, some questionable offside calls by the referee caused bench manager Tej to lose his cool, but the ensuing death threats fell (luckily) on deaf ears. They don’t call us the Hatchets for nothing.

Taking inspiration from the fire of Tej Sidhu, some quality finishes from Gibney, Edey, McHale and Nick Rigby saw the Hatchets get away to 8-3 in the second half. The win comes at a good time for the Hatchets, who can now look forward to being reunited with loved ones after Emperor Graves held them hostage during the week.

With their sister team, the Rusty Hatchets also victorious in their game against the Titans, the FA Cup is heating up to a potential derby showdown. Betting odds are set at $1.80 for a Hatchets victory, $1.01 that George will take a shot from more than 30m out, and $1.10 that Rigby will get confused and try to score for both teams.

Tickets are still available.

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Rabble Rusties Topple Titans

The Rusty Hatchets recorded a famous Cup win on Friday night. Despite going into the game as rank outsiders, the Rusties put in a backs-to-the-wall performance to come out on top, and go through to the second round.

Two hours before kickoff, it was looking unlikely that the Hatchets would even be able to field a team, let alone compete. Some last-minute logistical errors from elder statesman Simon Bennet, who claimed to have ‘forgotten to pick his car up from the mechanic’, was bad news for Simon, Jason and Nick P, but good news for Uber. Ultra Tune Windsor spokesman Lance responded in a prepared statement that ‘we have never heard of Mr. Bennet, and we certainly wouldn’t let him forget his car here’.

Even once the team had assembled at GJ Greenfield Park, pundits were giving the boys from Herston little chance of causing a ‘Cupset’ (that’s cup upset for you poms out there). Many will remember the 4-2 win to Titans when these two teams met in pre-season only three weeks ago. To make matters worse, the Hatchets only had 11 players, compared to a full bench of 7 from their opponents. The excuse of mid-sem exams the next morning has been raised by some players, however this was dismissed out of hand by team whip Jack Gilpin, saying ‘the team should always come first’. Jack refused to reveal his GPA.

Screen Shot 2017-04-09 at 12.01.26 PM.png

The team lined up in 4-4-2. Australia’s Dutch 4-3-3 revolution has yet to reach CJ Greenfield Park.

In team news, Mitch made his debut in goals. This was controversial in some quarters due to his lack of medical connection, however Mitch states that “I’ve always considered myself a doctor of the classroom.”

Titans started out on top, with their traditional approach of chipping the ball over the top for a fast striker almost paying dividends. However, some smart sweeping from Mitch avoided the assured calamity of conceding an early goal. The Rusties made the smart decision to drop much deeper, and force the Titans to actually play through them. This worked quite well since it turns out the Titans actually aren’t good enough to do that.

At half time it was 0-0. The best chances of the first half had fallen to Jack, who had a shot well-saved. But it was the Hatchets that came out firing in the second half, just when they should have been tiring, with no substitutes available.

Some early pressure and several half chances finally came to something in the 54th minute when a good run by Nick R down the right created space for Jason in the middle. Jason tapped the cross home and wheeled away in celebration. It was his first goal in a competitive game for the Hatchets and one he will surely remember for days or even weeks.

Ten minutes later, it was a similar story. Nick’s good run sucked in several defenders, and Jason finished sweetly into an empty net. At 2-0, it was now the Hatchets’ game to lose. They sat back even more, allowing the Titans to push up and create space at the back.

As regular readers of http://www.herstonhatchets.com will know, this situation is what Nick Rigby thrives on. He once again broke away down the left in the 76th minute. Just when it looked the defence had reset and the chance was gone, one of the defenders made the strange choice to roughly tackle him from behind with his back to goal right on the edge of the box. The referee pointed to the spot, and Simon tucked it straight down the middle to make the score 3-0.




The game was basically over at this point. Titans scored a consolation goal with a nice chip, but it made little difference to the final outcome. The Rusty Hatchets will be delighted with their strong defensive performance, and will be looking to take that momentum into the next game on April 21.

The draw for the round of 16 in the cup has yet to be announced, but Rusty Hatchets supporters will be hoping for a big ticket tie against the other Hatchets team.

By Simon

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Round 1: Hatchets fend off Many Blacks

The Herston Hatchets ™ have started off their season in a commanding fashion after downing the Mullybrydale Many Blacks 2-1 last Friday.

The team was keen to get their season off to a good start, with supreme leader Graves threatening to exile our families in the event of a defeat. With this in mind, the Hatchets ventured out onto the hallowed turf of CJ Greenfield Park full of anticipation and fear.


The early moments of the game were unusual for the Hatchets, who were accustomed to having their legs taken from underneath them by 30 year old tradesmen. Indeed, the sportsmanlike behaviour of the opposition left the Hatchets confused and disoriented and they were forced to repel some good attacks from the Many Blacks.

Eventually, team utility Michael Gibney expertly curled an absolute zinger off the defender and into the bottom corner. I’ve seen some gems in my time, but this one really takes the cake. It was definitely a deliberate shot on goal and definitely not a cross, and it definitely was on purpose and skillful that it went in.

As the first 45 minutes drew to a close, the opposition rallied and strung together some good passes, which allowed the Many Blacks striker to smash in an equaliser off the half volley.

With the teams tied 1-1 at half time, the game hung in the balance. Although Coach Graves tried to lift the team with an inspired speech, what spurred the Hatchets on was the arrival of players from their sister team, the Rusty Hatchets. Seeing such a strong show of support from their comrades lifted the team onwards and upwards and the Hatchets came out firing in the second half.

The relentless attacks were compounded by some hard running, and it was clear mid-way through the second half that the Hatchets were the fitter of the two teams. Also the other team had ten men and no bench.

Eventually, the Hatchets were rewarded for their persistence, with new player Sam Grace(fully) slotting a header into the back corner. Alex no longer looked so Grave and the team began to Moonie Singh, as the win was all but aSjorsed.

Frustrated by the submission of a second goal, with 15 minutes to go the Many Blacks initiated a new playstyle, one that had been crafted from the 2005 WWE Wrestlemania game for Xbox. The best on the Many Blacks team at stringing together combo moves, the 6’4″ opposition striker managed to pull-off a finisher on Hatchets 5’3″ midfielder Georges Mehawed. This move was akin to the Undertaker’s tombstone, and was in fact so well executed that the referee gave a bonus penalty to the Many Blacks, whilst calling an ambulance for Georges.


Re-creation of Many Black’s striker tackling Hatchets midfielder Georges Mehawed. Penalty was awarded to Many Blacks striker.

The win could have been all the sweeter, with the Hatchets playing through the Many Blacks new style to create myriad opportunities to expand the lead in the last ten minutes. A glorious play by Donald Chang into the box gave Collin Greer an open shot on goal. However, as he was about to slot the ball in, the light of the moon reflected sharply off Bjorn’s bald dome, and threw the midfielder off balance, causing him to miss an easy opportunity to put the game to bed.

Thus the game ended in a 2-1 victory for the Hatchets, who were contented at their opening round performance.

Written by: Michael Gibney

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UQLS pick up headliner for tri-faculty tournament


Breaking story: Hatchets Press™ managed to get a quick Skype interview with none other than Manchester United player Zlatan Ibrahimovic this morning. When we questioned Mr. Ibrahimovic about the upcoming Hatchets v. UQLS game (Zlatan would not talk about UQES), he had this to say,

“Yes, I am the Zlatan. I am the perfect man [Zlatan laughs]. For certain any football game without the Zlatan is nothing to watch. It is clear that we will win.”

Mr. Ibrahimovic then went on for some time about how he once ‘nutmegged’ Zeus in a pick-up game.

One thing is clear however, and that is that UQLS have used their immense budget from L-card sales to rent the Swedish Zlatan from Manchester U. for their epic match up this Thursday.

Alex Graves, Hatchets coach, manager, goal keeper, gardener and leading goal scorer, said in response to the rumours,

“Yes we are aware of the situation with Zlatan Ibrahimovic. We have, however, had Tim Cahill on speed dial for a number of years in case this sort of thing happened. If the allegations turn out to be true, we will be making a special call first thing Thursday morning”.

One thing is for certain, the Tri-faculty tournament this Thursday is heating up. It is not one to be missed. Come down to field 3 at UQ (St Lucia) at 4pm Thursday 30 March, and watch the Hatchets v. UQLS v. UQES. There will be a BBQ.

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