Last game of home and away.

The Herston Hatchets have suffered their third successive loss, and can now hit the finals full of inertia.

It was a simple equation for the Hatchets in their final game. Win and get a second chance in the finals, lose and enter sudden death. However, lifelines are for the weak and feeble, and here at the Hatchet’s we are neither weak, nor feeble. Except Adam. Adam is very feeble. Bless.

The tactical 5-3 loss by the Hatchets against their old rivals, The Bolsheviks, means the Hatchets end their season in fourth position.

The high quality game was played under the shadow of the highway at FR Caterson Park. The Hatchets had a many core players either injured or taking “leave” to visit their “wife and small child” in “America”. Some would call these excuses poor, but not this humble reporter. He would describe them as a monstrous betrayal, akin the Gondor betraying Rohan when the Westfold fell. Key defender Tim Thorne was “sick”, and clearly didn’t get the team doctor’s prescription for a cup of cement in time.

This is to take nothing away from the Bolsheviks, who played a very strong passing game seasoned with some outrageous finishes. The first goal to put the Bolsheviks 1-0 up was from outside the 18 yard box and careered of the post back into the net.

The Hatchets created many of their own chances, but were unable to capitalise on the majority. This lack of conviction can only be explained by one thing. A lack of faith in the Communist ideal. Some good finishes by Moonie Singh and Andrew Grapejuice kept the score line respectable, but the result was never in doubt after half time.

The Hatchet’s must now address key holes in their game strategy before the sudden death this Friday. Seizing the means of production, equal wages for all workers, and disrupting the status quo are all valid tactics. There are also calls for Emperor Graves to impose stricter immigration laws to ban key players like Donald Chang from visiting their families in the future.

Fans can expect the Hatchets to play with gusto this Friday at CJ Greenfield Park. Tickets are still available.

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Hatchets break the EFA Boiz

Night fell quiet, frost fell upon the grass and the Hatchets boys fell into Middle Earth Bethania. The players from the earlier game were still on the pitch, red and blue clad livestock stomping the icy ground until the final whistle, moving like cattle to the sheds for warmth. This whistle signalled to the boys from UQ that it was time. Emperor Graves put his phone away as it chimed victory in Clash of Clans, Tej worked over his black handbook of insults, Sam Grace polished the instep of his right boot, Tim Thorne folded away his favourite cardigan, Adam Beasley said a prayer over Logan’s right ankle, Dan Edey closed Tinder. As one, the boys walked down the clubhouse steps in time and lined up on the pitch.


Herston Hatchet’s line-up

Looking at the opposition, the Afghani EFA Boyz, they would be the last bastion of international enforcements before the Hatchet warriors completed their conquest. Boys they were, old enough to be cocky in victory and young enough to not have suffered defeat – the only cure for arrogance. A cure the UQ Medicine students would be happy to provide.

The referee progressed to the middle of the pitch with the pace of the Hobbits across Mordor (if you didn’t read the books, it took an entire 500-page book).
“Alright boys, let’s have a clean game” he said. “Say one word to me and you’re off. Say ‘mine’ instead of your name and you’re off. Say anything besides your name and you’re off. Look at me and you’re off. In fact, screw this game you’re all off” he said, becoming visibly panicked and turning for the sideline.

Sjors Plugge, who was starting on the sideline, took a few moments to approach the referee, calm him down and talk him back onto the pitch as both teams waited in position. A deft hand like I’ve never seen, the Dutch Bomber has been taking notes from Rusty Hatchet Bjorne on psychiatry.

With that the starting whistle blew. And then another, penalty to the EFA Boys. Trey kicked-off from the wrong side of the line.

The EFA boys drove the ball high into the Hatchet’s box. Whistle. EFA’s striker called for the ball: “MINE”.

Rocky Kang cleared the penalty back into the EFA Boy’s half. EFA’s head back. Moonie controls it. Quick pass to Grace on the right wing. Tackle. Ball is out. Grace lines up to throw it in. Whistle. Grace is two-metres off the mark.
Throw in to Trey. Whistle. Trey’s foot came too high, 2 feet off the ground, although not high enough to clear Trey’s waist it was in-fact head-height of the EFA defender.

And so went the first ten minutes.

After the referee had worked out what rules he wanted to put into practice, and the players had figured this out through trial and error, the Hatchet’s made their first strike through the EFA defence. A corner by Donald landing right in the centre of the box. Edey kicks it into an EFA defender in a volley attempt (for which he does not ask for assist credit), the ball deflected out to a calm Rockie Kang. Kang swings his right leg, arced high, straight line pushing the ball along the ground, bottom left. Goal.

It was barely five more minutes until the Hatchet’s were to strike again. With dominating possession, consistent field position, the Hatchet’s were in total control of the game. Positioned just outside the opposition 18-yard box, Moonie found a pass in and then found a gap between the remaining two EFA defenders. Having no time to react as the ball cleared his centre defenders, the EFA keeper could not reach to his right in time and Moonie’s shot found the bottom left corner.

With this the first half would end 2-0 towards the Hatchet’s. However, not wanting to get cold or bored, neither team left the pitch for the half-time break. After many complaints by the referee about his blood sugar and about needing a rest, the teams managed to coax him back on to start the second half immediately.

Five minutes into the second half, Dan Edey made a dastardly run down the left wing only to be aggressively and completely unabashedly slide tackled by the opposing winger. Of course being completely unscathed and mostly disappointed about a wasted run down the wing, Edey appealed to the referee with the intensity of a losing Indian cricket captain bowling finger spinners on a flat Australian pitch. The EFA winger was sent to the bin for ten minutes.

Gaining the advantage of being 11 vs. 10 men, the Hatchet’s leading slander MVP, Tej Sidhu, decided to not let up. Consulting his black book of insults, Tej whipped out a beastly call against an EFA defender. Not a single member of the EFA player’s family was spared, and no expense was avoided in verbally, emotionally, morally and constitutionally destroying the player. The hit was so conclusive that the player immediately went to ground. Not hearing the insult from his chair on the side of the pitch, the referee assumed Tej must have hit the player and instantly displayed the Hatchet’s man a red card, the first of the season for the boys from Herston. The teams were tied at 10-10 (players).


Tej’s big black book of insults. Studied more than Robbins and put into practice more regularly than Talley & O’Connor.

Having scored early, as seems to be the warrant of the Herston Hatchets, the boys simply bunkered down for the entire second half. With the 11th EFA Boi returning after ten minutes, all Hatchet’s players were pulled into defence for almost the entirety of the second half. With strong defence and even stronger communication, the Hatchet’s were impenetrable.

After 20 minutes of defending, the EFA Boiz made yet another error. Being slow on returning to defence in their offensive complacency, Trey and Sam were able to get the ball to half-way, line up some quick one-two passes to work it into the box, where Trey would slot the ball past a cold and bored EFA goal keeper, further sealing the Hatchet’s towards the inevitable 3-0 victory.

With this win, the Herston Hatchets have solidified their place at the top of the division 1 ladder with only two weeks remaining in the normal season.


SEQ Football Division 1 Ladder


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Hatchets return with 3-1 victory after 5-week mystery absence

Live updates from Hatchets’ reporter on Friday Night:

5:30pm: Moonie Singh has started weeping about the impending doom of the ethics exam, for which he has failed to prepare.

5:45pm: Semester one ethics exam final commences.

6:27pm: Alex Graves forgets the difference between ‘Utilitarian ethics’ and ‘Kantian ethics’; Alex loses 10 marks due to his confusion.

6:46pm: A riot breaks out as students try to evacuate the ethics examination room in the 2 minute exit-window before the lock-in occurs in the final 30 minutes of exam time.

7:28pm: Dan Edey arrives at the Eagles soccer park, ready for the Hatchets’ game at 8:30.

8:15pm: Hatchets’ striker and all-round-good-guy Trey McHale buys a round of Tooheys Extra Dry – his 8th for the evening. Trey has been shouting beers since exiting the exam despite concerns from other Hatchets’ players – “Maybe we should get to the game” says Adam Beasley.

8:28pm: The remaining 13 Hatchet’s players join Edey at the soccer pitch. “Where was my invite to the pub?” asks social leper Dan Edey.

8:35pm: The Hatchets take the pitch only 5 minutes late, with a total of 9 jerseys between 14 players; Colin Greer finishes his tactical vomit.


Last Friday night (16 June) saw the Hatchets tackle two milestones in their illustrious careers. The first was the completion of the semester one exam block, which for some Hatchets was the first of their medicine careers. The second milestone was having the first recorded game for the Hatchets in the last 5 weeks, with the results from previous weeks mysteriously disappearing from record. With a strong showing from the Med XI, and an almost as strong showing from the Med XI jerseys, the boys notched a dominating win over Manny Blacks in front of a record breaking crowd (shout out to the growing supporters).


Hatchets’ lineup-ish

Playing a very fluid formation – partially due to the increasing team-cohesion of this seasons’ Hatchets roster and partially due to the increasing BAC of many players on the pitch – the Hatchets’ kicked off this match up with dominant possession in the centre and reliable ticcy-tac plays setting up deep runs down the wings. This style of play generated points for the Hatchets early, with a shirtless Michael Gibney making a 30-metre run with the ball, Braveheart style, into the 5 yard box before making a term-deposit in the bottom right corner past the Manny Blacks’ keeper.

This play saw the Manny Blacks get frustrated early but having a new, shiny referee who made fair and equitable calls, much to the regard of Immanuel Kant, the Hatchets were able to rely on any unsportsmanlike play being pulled up. A strong defensive line-up headlining 329 one-on-one tackles made by Rocky “Johnny Turk” Kang continued throughout the first half to block the over-the-top style of attack the Manny Blacks were launching. This put the Hatchets in a great position to close the second half ahead, more so as they were able to consolidate their lead after a quick pass-back on the 18 yard box by Logan to Donald Chang who, seeing Gibney’s fiscally responsible deposit earlier, purchased some 5-year bonds in the bottom right corner of the goal, leaving the Manny Blacks’ keeper deep in recession.

Half-time saw the 2-0 up Hatchets in good spirits, with their supporters drinking less-good spirits. Coach Graves had this to say at half time.

“Yeah man the last five weeks have been pretty bad. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to get any matches in two years when I go back but at least it’s over now. What’s that? Soccer game? No no that was earlier we’re heading to Rics now. Second-half? Oh shit they’ve kicked off already”. Graves refused to comment on how many pints he had.

The Hatchets began the second half with one goal: to score one goal. This target was briefly undermined early in the half with the Hatchets’ defensive line being outnumbered on the left wing, allowing the Manny Blacks’ striker to receive a good through ball and take out a large loan from the bottom left corner of the Alex Graves National Bank. Hatchets’ captain and Melbourne-street-fighter Tej “Meet me in the parking lot” Sidhu knew in this dire situation he had to throw off the Manny Blacks’ offense, which was gaining momentum. To accomplish this he waited until one of the Manny Blacks’ players said anything, to which Sidhu replied “why don’t you say that to my face?”. The opposition, looking for any fight given that it was Friday night and the game was eating into his Valley time, took the bait and humoured Tej with a brief front-up before the excellent referee broke up the exchange and told Tej “Collingwood sucks”. Tej, heartbroken, returned to position.

Killing enough time for the Hatchets to stay in front, the score stayed locked at 2-0 until the closing minutes. Earning a corner, Hatchets’ centre Donald Chang floated a lay-up into the centre of the box. Coming down right on the head of Trey McHale. Trey expertly invested the cross in Forex in the top left of the Manny Black goal, closing the game at 3-1 to the Hatchets.

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Hatchets Dream team Hold Docceroos to Tense Draw


Written by Jack Gilpin:

Thanks largely to Simon B’s selection in the national team for his administrative prowess, managerial skills and proficiency in the centre bench role, an exhibition match was held between the soon-to-be world cup champions (the Docceroos, unfortunately the hatchets are not allowed to enter) and a Hatchets dream team (combination of the Hatchets and the Rusties). This match was selectively arranged deep within the depths of the med students’ exam block so as to conveniently render many Hatchets players unavailable, to compound this, the Docceroos had also arranged for torrential rain to further dampen (pun intended) the hopes of any challenge from the Hatchets boys. Despite all of this, 11 of the most hardcore Hatchets travelled to the Gold Coast in order to turn the Docceroos into the DoccerWHOs (apologies that was terrible).

A controversial decision made by the Hatchets brains trust led to an aggressive Hatchets lineup with a 3-5-2 formation the weapon of choice:


Hatchets Dream Team

The match started at a frenetic pace, with the Docceroos applying more pressure than 2nd year OSCEs. Unfortunately within the first 5 minutes Georges sustained a game ending knee injury and despite having in excess of 20 doctors or doctors-to-be, not 1 knee examination was performed. Kindly enough, the Docceroos allowed one of their players to enter our ranks so the game could continue on an even field (the actual playing field was anything but).

The first 15-20minutes belonged largely to the Docceroos as the Hatchets adjusted to the new formation, new combinations and the internal struggle “should we really try and beat a team full of senior doctors when job applications are opening again soon?” but after this the Hatchets began to find their feet (see below for all those who have their anatomy exam this week).


Who knew a Hatchets article could be so educational?

For the remainder of the half the Hatchets were outstanding with a combination of creative, fast attacking play and hardworking resolute defence. There were chances at both end, with Logan unlucky not to have the opener after a trademark Rigby Run, but in the end the half finished deservedly 0-0.

The second half continued in a similar fashion to how the first half ended with the Hatchets midfield 3 controlling the majority of the play, however this time the Docceroos had cleverly told their fill-in to sabotage the Hatchets back line by allowing the Docceroos striker some space outside the box. Unfortunately, that was all he needed and the Hatchets found themselves 1-0 down. Not to be outdone though the Hatchets continued to attack and it was only a matter of time before the equaliser arrived. Some excellent lead up play resulted in Jack (who is eligible for selection next year if any Docceroos selectors are reading this) receiving the ball in some space just inside the Docceroos half. Knowing that Nick R is also keen for selection, Jack played a sublime outside of the foot, perfectly weighted, miracle (ok maybe slight exaggeration, but it was a good ball) to Nick R in space on the left hand flank. Nick not satisfied with the acres of space afforded to him by the superb set-up decided to beat his player a couple of times before crossing in to the path of Trey who, after taking the keeper out, smashed the ball into the back of the net to make it 1-1. With renewed energy the Hatchets continued to apply the pressure and after a well taken corner Logan received the ball in the air outside the Docceroos box. Despite his usual reluctance to shoot, Logan struck an unbelievable left foot volley into the bottom corner to send the Hatchets into the lead and made Georges hop with excitement on the sideline.

In the final 20 minutes, the Hatchets players gradually began to fade and the 7 subs of the Docceroos started to expose some cracks within the Hatchets lineup. Despite this it took another wonderstrike from 30m out to level the scores with 10 minutes to go. There were a few chances in the dying stages but in the end the game finished a well fought 2-2. A penalty shoot-out technically resulted in the Docceroos taking home the spoils but in reality it was a 2 all win to the Hatchets. It was impossible to pick a man of the match from the Hatchets because each player put in a brilliant performance.


On a serious note, congratulations to Simon for making the Docceroos it’s a great effort and well deserved. All the best to the Docceroos in the World Cup in Austria and thanks for allowing us to be involved in your preparations, hopefully it will become an annual event. Good luck to the med students for their exams this week, and I hope the knee injury is only minor Georges and that you’ll be back on the park in no time.

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Hatchet’s have a great night at Dunder, match tied 2-2

Friday night saw the Herston Hatchets skip their scheduled match against Thorneside to go on a pub crawl in Fortitude Valley. This decision was made after Drinks captain Michael Gibney proposed that due to the Hatchets 4-nil victory over UQ Law the weekend before they deserved the night out and if they were losing by the 2nd half they’d get a cab back early to kick a few in. With their opponents, Thorneside, coming off three straight losses it seemed this was the perfect opportunity to take a night off. Unfortunately for the Hatchets, Thorneside were able to tactically use this move by the Hatchets to secure a 2-all draw and get their first point for the season.

The match was held a three hour drive east of Brisbane, which you may think is in the ocean, but is actually in a little backstreet known as Thorneside. Thorneside warmed up by passing a packet of fags around, while the Hatchets warmed up by putting Gibney under a [5] minute goon layback. Finishing their pre-game ritual both teams were ready to take to the pitch. By which I mean Thorneside took the pitch and the Hatchets headed to Ric’s.


The Hatchet’s set up at the start of the night in Ric’s. Note – strong bar presence by forward and USMLE legend Collin Greer.

The start of the match saw immediate pressure being put on the slightly under-manned Hatchets, who were not able to maintain control of the centre of the dance-floor. In the 5th minute, an unfortunate moment of incoordination by the Dutch bomber, Sjors Plugge, saw him spill a beer on the girl Sam Grace was trying to chat-up. This mistake allowed Thorneside to get a one-on-one with goal keeper Graves, who couldn’t jump on the grenade, and put Thorneside up 1-0 at the outset.

Rallying the boys, Moonie Singh called a round of shots and got the Hatchets back in line. With the ongoing strong fitness of Michael Gibney, the Hatchets were able to utilise the left-side of the dance floor convincingly, sending Gibney deep with several drinks in short succession. Several one-two’s down the left side, and a quick pass-of-the-beer to Dan Edey, who was waiting on the right side of the box, let Edey ease the beer down and have a volley on goal. The shot, inspired by Hatchets’ striker extraordinaire Collin Greer, was aimed directly at the goal-keeper, who deflected it. Fortunately for Edey, his wing-man was close by; Moonie Singh was able to come through and close the deal, bring the scores back even 1-1, and sending the Hatchets back to the bar for another round.

Seeing how on-form the Hatchets were at cutting shapes, Thorneside winger #26 started getting frustrated. This culminated in a cheap shot on keeper Alex Graves. Graves was on the ground trying to find the tenner he dropped while shouting the last round, when #26 came through at full speed and kicked Graves in the Alex Graves’ Specials. The bouncer, impressed by the player’s audacity, but needing to maintain some form of control at the bar, awarded the player a yellow card. With that the half drew to a close 1-1, and Thorneside retreated to the smoking area.

The start of the second half saw the Hatchets hit their stride, peak level tipsy, and not slurring too much. Having moved on from Ric’s to The Flying Cock at this point, the boys were in total control of the bar. Collin Greer was making long runs through the centre, dancing on three or four defensive players at a time. With Rocky Kang deflecting every assault from the guy in the stringlet (#26), the boys were looking dangerous. It wasn’t long until another beer, shouted by Moonie Singh, sent down the outside, passed into the middle and then given directly to Andrew Welch paid off. Andrew slammed the beer in record time, bamboozling the Thorneside goal keeper and putting the Hatchets back in front.

In celebration of this fantastic move by Andrew, the fellers thought it was a good time to move to Dunder, with the game only having 15 minutes to go and the bouncer having shown 3 yellow cards. This move was not appreciated by #26, who had targeted Andrew after his great form on the last schooner. He waited until Andrew had a quick glance at #26’s girlfriend, who was standing behind the goal, and then tackled Andrew from behind. In fair play, the bouncer saw this move, whipped out a red card, and sent #26 to the cab rank. A man down, playing against a team that were currently at Dunder enjoying $3 basics, Thorneside were desperate.

The boys were having a great time up until the DJ’s switched out in the last ten minutes of the game. The centre of the dancefloor was now no man’s land with both teams spending their time in their opponent’s half having no luck breaking the other. Thorneside upped the intensity of their slide tackling and the Hatchets’ doubled down on a bottle of Jack on their side of the bar. With the Hatchets’ defensive line reaching the final stages of intoxication, cracks were appearing in their defence. A mistake with two minutes to go saw a Thorneside striker find some space at the front of the dance floor, line up a shot, have it deflect off Adam Beasley, and sneak past Graves, who had retreated to the seating area to care for his jewels. With that, the score was tied 2-2.

In the final moments of the night Hatchets’ striker Greer, while in line for another round, had one last focused effort on a girl at the bar, but the Thorneside defence did well to block him out. Despite getting past four of the defenders, Thorneside kept the determined striker at bay until last call was announced and the teams were ejected from the venue, match tied at 2-2.

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Hatchets stomp out evil in a Hollywood finish

Last Friday night saw a twitching Hatchets line up take the field against last year’s nemesis and season winners, Annerley Axis of Evil. I should say at the start, the Hatchets were twitching because Saturday night was med ball, and some people were already pre-drinking in excitement for the event. Despite this obvious distraction, Hatchets still managed to find a full 15 players for this game, even though only 5 would fit on the Annerley home ground at a time. And after a 24-minute break down of the rules of soccer from our favourite Serbian referee, the high-stakes match up was underway.

Axis of Evil 1

Hatchet’s starting line-up last Friday night.

After an intense five-minutes of game time, Sjors “The Dutch Foreign Legion” Plugge, was removed from the field after a well-placed foot-stomp from the opposition winger. Fortunately for Annerley, the referee was thinking back to the episode of Passions that he had watched that day, and awarded the penalty to the Axis. Shortly after this incident, Dan Edey miraculously found himself with the ball, only to receive a well-placed foot-stomp from the opposition winger. Despite Edey’s calls of ‘he hit me on the nerve’, the referee awarded a penalty to Annerley for disruption of play from the Hatchet’s winger.

Both teams strung together some good passes in the first half, working with the 12” per player available on the field. Several quick through balls and good runs by Collin Greer opened a few opportunities for the Hatchets in the first half, however the fleet footed Annerley keeper managed to deflect Greer’s shots as they were kicked directly at him, but they were pretty firm shots, credit to Greer.

Annerley also managed several quality through-balls and shots in the first half. Fortunately for the Hatchets, defensive midfielder and primary penalty taker Rocky Kang has been working on his ‘iron forehead’ technique, and managed to head out 90% of crosses by the Axis of Evil.

Ending the first half 0-0, the tensions were high as opposing players needed to physically hug each other to fit on the field, and that kind of proximity never bodes well for young men. The first casualty of the second half was a tactical tackle on Dr. Kang in the 62nd minute when we went up for his 92nd defensive header of the game. This tackle found Kang’s legs mid-air and had him land flat-backed on the ground. Penalty was awarded to Axis. Re-taking the field after having a brief cry in the sidelines about the future of dorsiflexion in his right foot, Dan Edey ran on to a quality through ball from Greer. Having a defender either side and realising the lack of dorsiflexion in his right foot was limiting his maximum pace on the ball, Edey attempted to slide-tackle the ball into the goal from 30 yards. Ambitious yes, approved by the ref – no. Edey was shortly removed from the field.

The second half saw even lower quality football than the first half, with both teams having manpower on the pitch, but lacking the space to set up any plays to break the strong defensive play on both sides. While Tim Thorn practiced his verbal riposte on the opposition captain, Georges Mehawed showed why the hatchet’s had bought him this season – holding the ball up in midfield for the Hatchets on nearly every play and restricting opposition attacks to the wing, where Rocky Kang’s well trained head was positioned.

With all the action occurring on the field, one cannot forget the real Hatchet’s hero, Tej Sidhu, who has been holding the highly respected position of bench-manager this season, took the field. With two minutes remaining in the game it was a bold move from Tej, who hasn’t had game time since 2006 when his Under 13 team came second in Melbourne U13 Div 5 – a season when Tej was also bench manager.

Possibly due to the bench-manager’s arrival in the game, or due to a great penalty layup by Rockie Kang, with only 2 minutes to go the Hatchets posted the first score of the game. Yet another slide tackle from Axis gave Kang an indirect at the half-way line, which was 20 yards from the goal. A long, floating penalty kick found the smooth, perfectly waxed head of Moonie Singh, and slid on into the top right corner, putting Hatchets 1-0 up.

With only two minutes to go, the referee called full-time anyway, as he heard a Passions re-run was starting in 15 minutes, leaving the final score at 1-0 towards the hatchets, a small consolation with the goal deficit they are now trying to claw back. Alex Graves won man-of-the-match.

Stay tuned for Saturday’s report, where the Hatchets take on both UQ Law and UQ Economics in a medium-stakes, average-octane inter-faculty football and jargon-based-bants tournament.

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The Herston Hatchets have affirmed capitalism as the premiere economic system of the modern world, overcoming the Bolsheviks 4 goals to 2.  The Hatchets were coming off an 10-0 loss last week after haemolytic anaemia ravaged the team’s offensive line, meaning only six Hatchets and two very special helpers could take to the field.  As such, the team from Herston was keen to return to the winners list at CJ Greenfield Park.

The Hatchets started well, with numerous opportunities in the opening minutes.  Eventually, it was up to ex-college legend Sam Grace to coolly slot the ball into the bottom corner off the half volley. I saw it from the bench it was wicked, but not as wicked as Sam was when he was King of Cromwell College. Thus, only six minutes in, the Hatchets were 1-0 up, and proceeded to park the proverbial bus.

In a similar manner to Mujahedeen insurgents repelling waves of Soviets in the Soviet-Afghan wars of 1979, the Hatchet’s were able to repel some crisp offensive play from the Bolsheviks, with US foreign aid coming from Trey McHale in offense. Frustration started to show in the opponent’s style, and at one point the Cold War heated up into open warfare. Sjor’s leg was the first causality, with Tej’s temper soon to follow.  Fortunately, the referee was a true diplomat and at half time, the score was still 1-0 in the Hatchets’ favour.

The start of the second half found Putin’s Pioneers wanting, and the fleet of foot Moonie Singh managed to coolly slot the ball into the bottom corner off the half volley.  He followed in up in almost identical fashion only one minute later, penetrating the iron curtain from behind before coolly slotting the ball into the bottom corner off the half volley.  The Hatchet’s rampage was not done yet though, as only two minutes later, some cheeky footwork from Trey set up Dan Edey with a long shot from nearly half field.  Luckily, Edey was able to coolly slot the ball into the bottom corner off the half volley.  In the space of only 4 minutes, the Hatchets had amassed an unassailable four goal lead.

However, the Bolsheviks were not yet done with the game.  After adopting a new formation (image below), the Red Army played with renewed gusto.  Some sharp passing set up a goal in the 60th minute from K. Marx.  A lack of bipartisan support led to a second goal being scored by Lenin.  Worry began to tether on the fringe of many a young Hatchet’s mind, with memories of the loss against The Warriors in the 2016 semi-final still fresh.

However, the Hatchet’s defensive line was excellent, blocking out all further attempts to spread Communist propaganda, and the game finished with a two goal victory to Herston.


Formation used by Bolsheviks in second Russian civil war second half of soccer game.

Three rounds into the season, the Hatchets are looking as stable as a democratically elected government.

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