Hatchet’s lose as boys are ‘dogged’

Word has been put out this week that Hatchet’s officials are trying to locate the whereabouts of vagabond DJ and regular no-show Adam Irelandes.


Irelandes rocking the decks. Source: Adam Irelande’s bathroom mirror.

Friday night saw the Herston Hatchet’s receive one of their hardest fought and most disappointed losses in recent times. A fatigued, under-manned and over-intoxicated Herston took to a small, wet pitch at Mansfield on Friday night against the Croation resident team Sunnyside UTD.

Many of the Herston Med XI squad had completed their exam blocks during week, suffering what was without question a gruelling exam schedule. Several of these players were not fit to play on Friday night, given that the game was at 8:15pm and many had entered levels of inebriation that mimicked cerebellar stroke hours earlier.

However, with the number of goals scored in the match well exceeding the temperature on the pitch, it wasn’t the medical students that were being questioned about their performance.

“Where the #### is Adam Irelandes?” was heard across the pitch last Friday as Tej Sidhu prepared his squad for the oncoming onslaught of a match.

“Adam will be here, he wouldn’t dog the boys like this,” said Graves about Irelandes before the match. What Hatchet’s coach Grave’s had forgotten is that Irelandes has exhibited a pattern of dogging the boys in recent months.


Irelandes ‘dogging the boys’

Most recently Irelandes missed the inaugural Hatchet’s signing ceremony held last month in an undisclosed location in Woolloongabba. Named the honorary chairman (a position that holds no power and actually comes with several disadvantages) the ceremony was held up for several hours awaiting his arrival. With the only communication from Irelandes himself arriving at 10:42pm, he was not seen at that event. Pundits are speculating that Irelandes has exited society and moved to his parent’s basement where he is experimenting with a new type of German techno he will pioneer over the coming months. Others question whether he is being held against his will in Thailand, his summer vacation going awry after a series of unfortunate incidents.


Photos surface of Irelandes. Source: Bangkok Police

“This sort of behaviour is unprofessional, unsportsmanlike and frankly just un-Australian,” said all-time Australian great Sam Kekovich, who just happened to be walking through Mansfield on Friday night.

“I don’t know this Adam fella, but I tell you what, it’s just not right! This joker won’t be eating any lamb this year I know that for sure.”

Regardless of Irelandes current location, occupation and potential vacation prostration fellation situation, the majority of the Herston Hatchet’s squad are holding him entirely responsible for the result on Friday night. Selection officials are discussing the situation.


About DanEdey

Third year UQ Med Student.
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