Hatchet’s Bulletin!

Three weeks of football have gone by in the blink of an eye. While many med students (like this reporter) have been laying low on their inter-rotation break, the Herston Hatchet’s have been hard at work putting balls in the goals and points on the board. Here are the bulletins for all die-hard Hatchet’s fans to catch up on the latest Med Football news:

Hatchet’s Bulletin:

  • Hatchets are robbed by Brisbane All Stars 3-2 [Loss]
  • Doping allegations surface for Hatchets forward Collin Greer
  • Herston Hatchets defeat Acacia Ridge Elite Blue 5-2 [Win]
  • Coach Graves replaces Darius Kay with a literal golem
  • Hatchets defeat Acacia Ridge MBC 5-0 and secure third on the table [Win]


Hatchet’s are robbed by Brisbane All Stars 3-2

May began with the Hatchets team showing a rare lapse in form at their home field of [Logan]. The Hatchets showed up with a strong first half against the young guns Brisbane All Stars, with Hatchet’s star 20m sprinter Collin Greer getting into the game early. The hatchet’s trademark wing domination was in full effect, with Greer obtaining possession in the 15th minute on the left, stepping inside and firing a right footed cross to the back of the opposition box. The far end of this rainbow found a pot of gold in Sam Grace’s boot, cruising gently under the goal keeper and putting the Hatchet’s up early. The lead was then consolidated again by Greer, as he slotted a free kick outside the box straight over the keepers head. Despite this spike in form by forward Greer, the Hatchets were not able to hold up throughout the game.

Recent problems amongst the ranks of the Herston eleven have seen breaks seep into both midfield communication and passing game. This has left the team found wanting against teams with a skilled midfield. Brisbane All Stars showed their hand in this manner, with a dominant performance from their forward mid, who, being much faster than he looked, generated space behind the box on almost every play. This found Hatchet’s Keeper Graves in several one-on-one situations and allowed the All Stars to deliver three striking goals in the second half, all from within the box. It was the first loss of the season for the Hatchets and a telling one for the areas where the squad needs to improve.


Doping allegations rock the Hatchet’s foward line

Despite the Hatchet’s recent slump in form, one player has come into form in a drastic way and as such has come under heat  as doping allegations come to the surface. Known for his blistering runs and 20-hour a day USMLE study program, a tipster has alerted the SEQ Friday Football league that Collin Greer may not be au naturel.


File photo of Hatchet’s USA College pickup, Collin Greer

“Have you seen the boy run?” said the tipster. “It’s like watching a pit bull running towards a family picnic while also studying microbiology, physiology and pharmacology all at once! It’s not right I tell you.”

While the tipster’s credibility is being confirmed, counter-intelligence has noted several phone calls to the league from Hatchet’s bench warmer Matthew Youssef. Greer is under investigation however it is likely the controlled substances he has been caught with while in transit are his study aids, Adderall and Modafinil.

Herston Hatchet’s defeat Acacia Ridge Elite team

In light of the allegations against him, Collin Greer has continued to perform for the Hatchets in recent times. May 11th saw the boys take on the Acacia Ridge Elite Blue side at the Spanish Karaoke Club; a grudge match from 2016 at the team’s favourite party venue. The Hatchets were undermanned in this game, as most of the third-year medical students had disappeared for their one-week break. However – showing great promise for the future of the side – the newer Hatchets roster established their position within the team, stomping a dominant victory against the Acacia side.

Going down 2-0 at half time, the Hatchets were somewhat befuddled, lapsing to their weakness in the middle of the pitch. However it was at this point that Greer decided to do something, or take something, or something, and turn the game around. Within 20 seconds of the second half, he had scored twice, bringing the game to two-all. Not content, the Hatchet’s forward decided to dribble past the entire Acacia side once again, this time running the ball into the goal after doing a wicked spin past the goal keeper. A dominating show from the totally legitimate forward.

Two follow-up goals put the final score to 5-2, in favour of the men in red.


Coach Graves replaces Darius Kay with a literal golem

With the Hatchets pulling a necessary victory to maintain good footing on the ladder, in mid-May the teams coach, overlord, and benevolent leader Alex Graves decided it was time for a small tweak in the team’s forward line-up. Darius Kay, the Hatchet’s new holding-forward, has been a consistent and effective striker this season. A high-powered 6-foot-2 diesel powerhouse, Kay has been imposing himself in the Hatchet’s side as a linchpin for receiving balls in the box and distributing on the counter-attack.

However, coach and solipsistic leader Graves made a shock decision last week to trade Darius to the Wednesday league in exchange for a literal Golem.


Darius Kay and a representation of the trade replacement playing striker for the Hatchets

“Look honestly, no one is going to know the difference,” said Graves. “Golems don’t eat anything and I can’t afford to keep feeding Darius after games, the man is hungrier than Patrick Jay’s Hummer rip-off.”

While not confirming from where Graves sourced a magically animated anthropomorphic conglomeration of clay and stone, it has played well for the Hatchet’s with the TAB. The team’s odds for finishing in first place this season are now at $1.01.

Hatchet’s defeat Acacia Ridge MBC, securing third on the table

The generally disapproved  APPROVED AND WIDELY LOVED decision by Graves to trade Darius for an obedient stone husk proved to be invaluable in last Friday’s game against Acacia Ridge’s B team, MBC. Heading into half time at 0-0, the Hatchet’s were walking a tightrope of falling into old patterns allowing soft goals through the midfield. However, as quick as he is to offer drinks off the pitch, manager Tej Sidhu was as quick to offer words of wisdom and delivered a half-time speech that could have put Gordon Gekko to shame.

With new-found motivation, as well as two strikers who may not pass league rules, the Hatchet’s midfield imposed their dominance on the pitch. With many complaints to the referee, MBC yielded to the physically dominating play, mostly under threat of Golem. Devastating runs from new midfielder and male model, Kenny Hunt, with a quick offload put defender Andrew Welch within striking distance early in the second-half. Ten yards outside the box, Welch launched a right-footer over the keeper in the top right, to put the Hatchets into the lead early in the second half.

Shortly after this first goal, the floodgates opened. With Edey finding the head of Darius GOLEM in the box, pushing the lead to 2-0 early in the second. This was followed up briefly by a left wing run from Edey, with a shocking shot underneath the goal keeper from the edge of the box. Suddenly the Med Eleven had a strong lead.

While conceding several goals, the complaints from MBC eventually got under the skin of the Referee. In retaliation to the complaints, the ref decided it would be fair if the Hatchets were reduced to 10 men and presented Hatchet’s midfielder Moonie Singh with a blue card for falling over.

Despite the man disadvantage, the offence from Darius AN ACTUAL GOLEM continued. Yet another piece from Kenny led to a grounded cross into the box. Carrying three defenders in his shoulders, the Golem found foot to ball a few yards from the goal – tearing a hole in the back of the net and putting the Hatchet’s to 4-0.

With the Hatchet’s finally finding form in the season and starting to look like a formidable opponent in the Friday league, all that was left was to add insult to injury and increase the team’s GD on the ladder. In this spirit, defender and hair model John Zhang found himself on a counter in the opponent’s half. Pulling the defender to the left, Zhang slipped the ball on to the left foot with the grace of a corner dealer, before placing a nasty shot to the bottom right of the goal. Final score: 5-0.

With this win, the Hatchet’s have staked spot sitting third on the SEQ Football League ladder. With rivals ‘Old Bridge’ sitting in first place and three teams within two points of the boys, the next few games will be crucial in holding a top-four finish for the med in red.


This Friday the Hatchet’s take on War Pig’s United, who sit eleventh on the table. Stay tuned.

About DanEdey

Third year UQ Med Student.
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