Hatchet’s Cleave Logan Bogans

“Bring that psychiatrist over here! One session with me, I tell you what, he’ll be right messed up” – Slacks Creek’s best player and coach after ?? beers on the sideline.


Friday night saw the Hatchet’s claim a convincing 4-2 win over the Creek Sockatoos at Slacks Creek (we don’t know where it is either don’t worry). The game started with the Hatchet’s favourite referee from 2017 telling both captains that he ‘really isn’t feeling it tonight’ and that we should all just ‘have a beer and take it easy’.

lineup (2)

Hatchet’s Lineup

Shortly after, the Hatchet’s kicked off promptly to Nathan Sayer on the left wing. Asserting his prowess and dominance early, Nathan made a dynamite run down the left wing, before several quick passes with the centres put the Hatchet’s in the box early. To the Sockatoo’s credit, their scramble defence was effective and they managed to clear the ball. Shortly after, a good ball from Colin Greer down the wing put Daniel Edey in behind the defence line. Crossing in off the right boot, the Hatchet’s players were in position but the Sockatoos again managed to clear the ball. This was repeated for the first 15 minutes of the game.

Mounting in frustration from both teams, the Sockatoos managed to take dominant control of the midfield through similar strategies to Russia’s handling of the Mujahideen in the 1980s. That is, intimidation, threats against family members, and general destruction of everything within range. This midfield control switched early possession in favour of the Sockatoos, with the Hatchet’s passing game falling apart for fear of their loved one’s lives.

Putting his cigarette out on Hatchet’s midfielder Josh Baker, the Sockatoo’s bearded lynchpin transition midfielder worked the ball to the right winger in the 23rd minute. This play became a staple of the Sockatoo’s offense where, much like Russia in Afghanistan in 1985, they made several quick attacks down the right side.

After another midfield transition, the Sockatoos caught the Hatchet’s retreating like the Afghanistan military in 1979 and launched an offensive through their right winger. Working past Hatchet’s defender Andrew Welch, who was busy trying to decipher the unintelligible drivel being spewed from the Sockatoo bench, the Sockatoo winger launched a deadly cross into the Hatchet’s box. Deflected by keeper Graves, the Sockatoo striker found foot to ball and put Slacks Creek up 1-0.

Dejected, intimidated and endlessly frustrated, the Hatchet’s turned to their warcry of old:

“It’s still nil all boys!!” cried Emporer Graves, more out of threat than encouragement.

Rallying like the foreign mercenaries against the Soviets, the Hatchet’s found themselves in a good position after kick-off. Quick work down the left wing put Nathan in a striking position in the box. His left foot shot was deflected down but found Hatchet’s striker Darius in the box. With his back to the goal, Darius turned onto his right, released a ball into the bottom right corner of the goal and satisfied Emporer Graves. It was 1-1.

Unfortunately, the Sockatoos had similar ideas. Quickly redoubling their dominance in the middle, they shut down the Hatchets. The usual Hatchet’s game of quick passing, attacking through balls and crosses into the box ceased. The Hatchet’s found themselves intimidated by the militant tactics and threats against their loved ones.


Sockertoo’s bench after every call by the referee

The usually strong midfield was sorely missing no-show Moonraj Singh, who was enjoying single life that night. Wing control was relinquished to the opponents and all talk on the pitch was quiet enough that the mindless dribble of the Sockatoo’s bench warmers was all that could be heard.

This was made worse in the 30th minute when another attack down the right-wing lead to a nasty cross into the Hatchet’s box. This cross found the head of the Sockatoo’s centre, beating keeper Graves and putting the home side ahead 2-1.

For the Hatchet’s the half time talk would be of great importance.

“Look guys, I’m pissed off. This is garbage. If we lose to these guys I don’t know what I’ll do, but you won’t like it.” motivated Graves. “Our next training session will look like Afghanistan after the Soviet retreat if we don’t get it together!”

Needless to say, the pep talk was effective. Early in the second half, winger and all-round-great-guy Dan Edey lifted the left wing, making several aggressive plays into the Sockatoo’s defense line without the ball. The Hatchet’s midfield slowed the play, took control, and regained possession. With control of the midfield returned to Hatchet’s, the Sockatoo’s midfield tiring and their bench turning on the referee, the Hatchet’s looked convincing.

In the 45th minute, Nathan – who had been fouled so many times that Oprah has started organising a charity event ‘Justice for Nathan’ – decided to take matters into his own hands. After the Sockatoo’s winger aimed a throw-in directly at his face from two yards and then attempted to perform a full-nelson suplex on him, Nathan gained possession of the ball and dribbled past the entire Sockatoo’s team twice – out of spite. To finish his run he filed a nasty left-footer under V for ‘vengeance’ in the bottom left of the goal. Two-all. The game was tied. Graves smirked.

Rallying, the Hatchet’s maintained possession and consolidated quickly. A left-wing play from Matthew Yousef lead to a pass to the flying eagle Tej Sidhu in the box. Taking fourteen deflected shots on goal, Tej eventually found a gap and slipped the ball into the net in what was, objectively speaking, the worst goal in football history.

At this point, the Sockatoo’s team turned on itself. A clever move from striker Colin found his knee colliding with the Sockatoo’s winger, turning his kneecap to dust. With their player out it was time for the Sockatoo’s MVP and toughest bench warrior to take the pitch, which he did in a very loud and generally distasteful manner. Within two minutes of taking the pitch the Sockatoos professional mouth-runner #7 decided it was a good idea to taunt Hatchet’s defender Rocky, after Rocky was brought down from behind.

Running twenty yards to laud over Rocky – who was still on the ground – he let out his war cry: “Get up you pussy! What a dive!” This would see the first of three yellow cards for the night, mostly because the referee ran out of good comebacks.

Avenging his fallen comrade, Nathan decided to make another devastating run past the entire Sockatoo’s team. Nathan concluded this run with a curling left-foot strike into the bottom left corner. This strike was apparently so devastating that resident defender and psychiatrist Bjorne reported today that two of the Sockatoo’s defenders have been admitted for psychiatric management. It also put the Hatchet’s further in front, 4-2.


Re-creation of the Soccertoo’s team after Nathan’s second goal.

It was at this point that the Hatchet’s parked the bus. Resorting to a 6-2-2 formation, the Herston Reds deflected all remaining assaults and consolidated their 4-2 win. After the game the Creek Sockatoo’s were seen at the clubhouse, drinking warm beer in complete silence, abjectly defeated.

With this win the Hatchet’s slither into third position on the ladder behind old rivals Old Bridge. More to come; bring money.


About DanEdey

Third year UQ Med Student.
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