Live updates from Hatchets’ reporter on Friday Night:
5:30pm: Moonie Singh has started weeping about the impending doom of the ethics exam, for which he has failed to prepare.
5:45pm: Semester one ethics exam final commences.
6:27pm: Alex Graves forgets the difference between ‘Utilitarian ethics’ and ‘Kantian ethics’; Alex loses 10 marks due to his confusion.
6:46pm: A riot breaks out as students try to evacuate the ethics examination room in the 2 minute exit-window before the lock-in occurs in the final 30 minutes of exam time.
7:28pm: Dan Edey arrives at the Eagles soccer park, ready for the Hatchets’ game at 8:30.
8:15pm: Hatchets’ striker and all-round-good-guy Trey McHale buys a round of Tooheys Extra Dry – his 8th for the evening. Trey has been shouting beers since exiting the exam despite concerns from other Hatchets’ players – “Maybe we should get to the game” says Adam Beasley.
8:28pm: The remaining 13 Hatchet’s players join Edey at the soccer pitch. “Where was my invite to the pub?” asks social leper Dan Edey.
8:35pm: The Hatchets take the pitch only 5 minutes late, with a total of 9 jerseys between 14 players; Colin Greer finishes his tactical vomit.
Last Friday night (16 June) saw the Hatchets tackle two milestones in their illustrious careers. The first was the completion of the semester one exam block, which for some Hatchets was the first of their medicine careers. The second milestone was having the first recorded game for the Hatchets in the last 5 weeks, with the results from previous weeks mysteriously disappearing from record. With a strong showing from the Med XI, and an almost as strong showing from the Med XI jerseys, the boys notched a dominating win over Manny Blacks in front of a record breaking crowd (shout out to the growing supporters).
Playing a very fluid formation – partially due to the increasing team-cohesion of this seasons’ Hatchets roster and partially due to the increasing BAC of many players on the pitch – the Hatchets’ kicked off this match up with dominant possession in the centre and reliable ticcy-tac plays setting up deep runs down the wings. This style of play generated points for the Hatchets early, with a shirtless Michael Gibney making a 30-metre run with the ball, Braveheart style, into the 5 yard box before making a term-deposit in the bottom right corner past the Manny Blacks’ keeper.
This play saw the Manny Blacks get frustrated early but having a new, shiny referee who made fair and equitable calls, much to the regard of Immanuel Kant, the Hatchets were able to rely on any unsportsmanlike play being pulled up. A strong defensive line-up headlining 329 one-on-one tackles made by Rocky “Johnny Turk” Kang continued throughout the first half to block the over-the-top style of attack the Manny Blacks were launching. This put the Hatchets in a great position to close the second half ahead, more so as they were able to consolidate their lead after a quick pass-back on the 18 yard box by Logan to Donald Chang who, seeing Gibney’s fiscally responsible deposit earlier, purchased some 5-year bonds in the bottom right corner of the goal, leaving the Manny Blacks’ keeper deep in recession.
Half-time saw the 2-0 up Hatchets in good spirits, with their supporters drinking less-good spirits. Coach Graves had this to say at half time.
“Yeah man the last five weeks have been pretty bad. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to get any matches in two years when I go back but at least it’s over now. What’s that? Soccer game? No no that was earlier we’re heading to Rics now. Second-half? Oh shit they’ve kicked off already”. Graves refused to comment on how many pints he had.
The Hatchets began the second half with one goal: to score one goal. This target was briefly undermined early in the half with the Hatchets’ defensive line being outnumbered on the left wing, allowing the Manny Blacks’ striker to receive a good through ball and take out a large loan from the bottom left corner of the Alex Graves National Bank. Hatchets’ captain and Melbourne-street-fighter Tej “Meet me in the parking lot” Sidhu knew in this dire situation he had to throw off the Manny Blacks’ offense, which was gaining momentum. To accomplish this he waited until one of the Manny Blacks’ players said anything, to which Sidhu replied “why don’t you say that to my face?”. The opposition, looking for any fight given that it was Friday night and the game was eating into his Valley time, took the bait and humoured Tej with a brief front-up before the excellent referee broke up the exchange and told Tej “Collingwood sucks”. Tej, heartbroken, returned to position.
Killing enough time for the Hatchets to stay in front, the score stayed locked at 2-0 until the closing minutes. Earning a corner, Hatchets’ centre Donald Chang floated a lay-up into the centre of the box. Coming down right on the head of Trey McHale. Trey expertly invested the cross in Forex in the top left of the Manny Black goal, closing the game at 3-1 to the Hatchets.