Hatchets season starts with a stutter

With the year starting to cool down, exam dates looming, clinical practice assessments unyielding and Nick “the raging bull” Rigby entering the final phase of his fitness training, the 2017 Hatchets squad is fit, strong and ready for the 2017 season. The squad were scheduled for a grading match last Friday, 17 March, which was unfortunately washed out due to a last-minute typhoon that gripped Richlands, leaving the rest of Brisbane dry. Some members of the squad did, however, have a session at the Pig and Whistle in-lieu of this wash-out, which allowed the Hatched press™ to spend time with the new squad.

The new Hatchet coach, goal keeper, manager, fitness trainer, sports psychologist and motivational speaker, Alex Graves, seemed to have the boys in top form for the Friday night showing.

“Yeah we’d been preparing to face Colleges (the scheduled opponents) since our match with them last year where we only won six to zero. Our performance at that game was atrocious and realistically speaking anything less than ten nil at our next meet up would be unacceptable for this squad,” said Mr. Graves.

Reports say that the new high-performance Hatchets squad was seen doing high-altitude training at Falls Creek, Victoria, over the Christmas break in preparation for this match. This was much to the chagrin of the new American first-year pickup Collin Greer, who missed this high-altitude training due to his intense USMLE studying program despite not having started first year yet. Collin, who was hoping to make up for this missed training with a big performance on Friday night, left us with this about the wash-out,

“Yeah look I’m pretty disappointed we didn’t get a showing on Friday. I had scheduled time off from USMLE on Friday morning to pre-wax my pecs for the game, and my beautician doesn’t let people cancel on less than 48 hours notice”.

We had a quick chat with the Hatchets premier utility player and drinks captain, Michael “I play utility” Gibney, and he had this to say about his fitness moving into the new season.

“I feel like I can be of more utility to the Hatchets this year after my new off-season programme. I’ve been running up to 10 miles a day and limited my drinks-captain training to only 6 schooners of Tun a day.”

One of the most mentally impacted players, despite playing for the Rusty Hatchets squad and not actually being rostered on Friday, was the 2016 Hatchet’s coach, Simon Bennet, who had been ‘practicing [his] back heels all week’ in the off chance he was called on for the big game.

Georges Mehawed was similarly dispirited about the wash-out, having planned his Hatchets comeback for two years after an unfortunate knee injury during pre-season training in 2015.

“I’ve been preparing for this match for almost two years now – of course I’m pissed off that Colleges didn’t want to play just because of a little bit of rain and torrential winds. The Hatchets have been begging for a holding midfielder for two years and I’ve never been fitter. The time is now.”

Despite last week’s disappointment with the wash-out, we hope the Hatchets can carry their fine reported form into their up-coming grudge match against the UQ Law Society and the UQ Education Society on the 30th March. Don’t miss out on this exciting exhibition match at UQ Field 3, starting at 4pm, where we can see the payoffs of the Hatchets’ gruelling off-season training.

About DanEdey

Third year UQ Med Student.
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