Hatchets: “Well, There’s More To Life Than Winning, Anyway”

The Herston Hatchets have been defeated by Warriors FC in a semi-final this Friday. A well-fought game resulted in a narrow loss. Although the boys put in an excellent performance, their season is over.

There wasn’t much anyone could say after the game.  The Hatchets had lead the game 2-0 at the 70th minute, courtesy of a Trey McHale special and a smartly taken penalty by coach/defender Simon Bennet.  Actually, Bennet had to take the penalty twice, due to the referee suffering an absence seizure during the first attempt.  The Grand Final was in sight – everything the Hatchets had worked for had led up to this moment: the fitness sessions, the Don Ciccio bolognaise carbo-loading, skolling battles for the prestigious title of Drinking Captain.

However, instead of winning, the team from Herston opted to bury the hatchet (see what I did there?).  In a stunning and generous turn of events, the Hatchets collectively decided they didn’t really care that much about soccer at all, and seeing as how this other mob clearly didn’t have much going for them outside ‘the club’ and smoko on Fridays at 10am, maybe we should just let them win?

The opposition team, known as the Warriors, piled on 3 goals in the space of 10 minutes. Equaliser opportunities were sparse, thus the game finished 3-2 in favour of the Warriors. The atmosphere in the Hatchets’ change rooms following the game was agreeable. There was a general sense of contentedness, some people even hugging to express their above average moods.

Everything was ok.

Goalkeeper Alex showed how well he was handling it. “That was probably the worst game of soccer in my entire life,” he jovially remarked following the game, before adding with a wry smile, “I’m going to be salty all weekend.”

Another Hatchet’s player, who wished to remain anonymous (it was Adam) stated, “yeah dude it was pretty grim.  When I got home every else had gone to Coff’s Harbor already so it was just me sitting in the dark empty house alone with my beer and my lamentations.”

“I think I’m going to squanch myself,” remarked another player.

In unrelated news, the sales of anti-depressants have increased 83% in Herston this week.

No one has seen, nor heard from star player Jack Gilpin, who was last seen singing to the lifeless corpses of plover babies he accidentally brutally murdered prior to the game. No, just kidding I saw him on Sunday he’s fine, but the plover babies are not.

In happier news, the Hatchets’ have the opportunity to leave the season with a better taste in their mouths when they play off against Griffith and Bond med schools at the Gold Coast on October 9th.

The Hatchets presentation night gala extraordinaire is being held in October. Nick Rigby is currently paying out at odds of $0.99 for a victory, closely followed by the referees for most goal assists this season.

The Hatchets would also like to thank their sponsors for all their support this year. MDA National Insurance, ProLending Medical Finance (they lend money to doctors), Selly’s no More Gaps™ (in Defence), and El Domio Pasta Sauce™.

Vale Hatchets, well played.

Thanks to Mike G for the report. 

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