Inspirational drinks captain Tom K has some thoughts on the upcoming match.
This Thursday, an age-old score will be settled when UQ Med (aka the Herston Hatchets) takes on UQ Law. This is merely the latest episode in an ancient rivalry, between those who nobly devote their lives to healing others, and those who self-righteously twist words for their own purposes in the ridiculous facade of our judicial system.
These two groups have faced off since time immemorial. In fact, the war has been going on so long that nobody really remembers who fired the first shot. Some scholars suggest the rivalry began when medical students suggested that society would be better off without lawyers. Others say it was when a pair of medical students were caught ‘studying anatomy’ in the law library. There is even evidence in the literature of a fistfight between Aristotle and Hippocrates (it is said that Hippocrates was happy to break his own oath if it meant getting the first punch in).
But no matter how it began, it will end next Thursday when a UQMS XI takes on the UQLS XI in what has been billed as ‘a match bigger than a law student’s mouth’. Our heroes will venture into the lion’s den at the St. Lucia soccer fields, and play in front of a chino-clad, mocha latte-sipping, ectomorphic crowd.
In his pre-match press conference, Hatchets manager Simon Bennet called for a special effort from the team. “We’ll be bringing a full strength side into Thursday’s match, so I want to see everyone giving 110% both on and off the field. We need to give these lawyers the traditional full Hatchets treatment.”
Bennet refused to elaborate on what constitutes ‘the Hatchets treatment’, saying only that he must remember to bring a kitbag full of Milton Mangoes, the leftover carbonara from Steven Cecchi’s dinner, and a packet of water balloons.
Captain Cecchi was also at the press conference, and added an emotional plea for support. “I would like to ask our fans to really make a big effort this week. Our boys have the match of their careers and really need you on the sidelines cheering us on.”
Hatchets Player Unsettled?
Mr. Bennet addressed recent transfer controversy surrounding star right-winger Nick “The Raging Bull” R. “I know there have been some rumours floating around about transfers, but I don’t deal in rumours… I deal in facts. And here are the facts. Nick has signed a contract to play though to the end of the season. HHFC has no intention to release him from that contract. Nick is a valued member of the Hatchets team, and QUT Gold would need to, like, double their last offer to get him.”
Good news for the Hatchets on the injury front, with the team physio clearing Cecchi to make his return from a niggling back injury that has seen him sidelined for the past month.
The Hatchets are coming off two straight wins, and sit in a comfortable second place on QIF’s Friday Premier division ladder. Several key players have been in good form recently, and the Hatchets will be looking to keep the ball rolling.
Law’s only recent game was the 9-3 loss to QUT Law, which friend of the team Ed K described as an ‘abject’ defeat. “UQLS will have to improve on that showing if they want to challenge the Hatchets this week,” he said.
Player To Watch
Drinks captain Tom K will be a key player to watch this Thursday night. He has performed consistently in post-match drinks to date, but pundits have questioned whether he may crumble with the added pressure of Cardiology Grand Rounds at 7.30am the next morning. This will definitely be a sink-or-swim moment in his nascent drinks captaincy.
Tom’s Top Tip
The bookies have had a lot of trouble pricing this match, with the odds swinging wildly over the last fortnight. If you managed to place a bet on the Hatchets when they were paying $1.91 – congratulations! The Hatchets are a sure bet and at $1.20 represent a blue chip stock with a low return. In fact, one financial adviser at UQMS’ ‘Money Matters’ seminar was heard recommending that young doctors wager their entire savings on it.
The Bottom Line
Whatever happens, it’s sure to be a fiery match-up. Get down to UQ Field 3 (the main UQ soccer field) this Thursday at 5pm to see a derby for the ages. RSVP on Facebook.