Ruthless Hatchets Dominate Springfield

“It’s still 0-0, boys”
– at times, even Alex had trouble keeping tracking of the score.

The Herston Hatchets continued their dominant start to the season by winning 12-0 against Springfield United FC this weekend. The performance was described as ‘sadistic’ by the referee, who offered to stop the game at half time out of mercy. However, the rout continued, to the point that onlooking supporters began outwardly cringing and looking away awkwardly as each goal went in.

It was the first time the Hatchets have played at home this season, and a massive crowd of over ten people gathered to support them. Anticipation was high for another strong showing after last week’s 10-0 win over QUT C, and the players were eager not to disappoint. In fact, not even the Damocles-like threat of mid-sem exams the following day impacted commitment.

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As the boys have gotten to know each other better, a few nicknames have started to appear.

Herston’s opposition, Springfield United FC, arrived looking wary and timid. This was little surprise, for their squad was both inexperienced and experienced: the former because this was their first game together as a team, and the latter because their average age was over 35. However, the Hatchets vowed to treat this game the same as any other. The only change to the game-plan was the late withdrawal of Tom K (Tommo to his mates), whose daddy issues were triggered by the bald head and stocky middle-aged body of his direct opponent.


Club motto: “A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man”

This reporter does not have the time nor the inclination to discuss all twelve of Herston’s goals. Those seeking further detail are advised to catch the replay on channel 503 tomorrow morning.

The undoubted star of the show was second-gamer Mike G, who scored a club record four goals. The Victorian left back used his pace to great advantage all night, and tormented the Springfield defence from start to finish.

It was also a night to remember for talismanic striker Nick, who scored his second hat-trick in two weeks to maintain his place as top scorer. Tom H, who was unable to play this week due to commitments in the Ipswich Hospital birth suite, reports that we are already starting to see an increase in the number of babies named Nick. Paternity tests are pending.

Three players scored their first ever goals for the Club. Tej had two perfectly cromulent goals ruled out incorrectly for offside, before the Grinch of a referee finally allowed him to experience the happiness he has always craved, and Logan smashed a shot past the hapless Springfield keeper from close range after a ‘Messi-like’ run. Vice-captain Jack also put a chance away in the second half after a number of near-misses.

The final two goals were scored by captain Steven, who was allowed to play with the big boys in the forward line for the final 15 minutes of the match. His second goal was possibly the best of the game, with a nice chip from outside the box that even Inzaghi would have been proud of.

As the final whistle echoed around Jack Speare Park, onlookers began averting their eyes out of respect to the utterly vanquished foes. But it was time to enjoy the victory for the boys from UQ, who got to sing the Club song (an adapted version of the theme song from House, M.D.) again. Thoughts would soon turn to next week’s game against rivals QUT A, but for now, it was a win to savour.

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