“…we’ve got more bottle than these lads, boys.” – Jenya Demdinok
GUEST WRITER: ADAM IRELANDES
The Hatchets made a bold statement of intent going into the finals last Sunday with an impressive derby win against bitter rivals QUT FC. The game started unusually as it was moved from the Hatchets main stadium to the secondary field, originally believed to be down to security concerns caused by some rowdy fans and the long lived Hatchets tradition known as ‘Silly Sunday’, it was later found to be an elaborate ruse, masterminded by none other than Slovakia’s brave Jenya Demidinok, who realised that the secondary field played right into the hands of the Hatchet’s physical footballing style.
The match began precariously for the reds as QUT looked threatening with long spells of possession in their opponents’ half, but the rock solid defense of ‘the freight train’ Steven Cecchi and Simon ‘the down syndrome half-brother of David Schwimmer’ Bennet held strong and it was not long before the Hatchets were given their first corner after embarking on a counter attack as QUT carelessly gave the ball away in the middle of the pitch. As the ball lofted in, it was target man Alex Cote who found himself fouled and pushed to the ground by a rather unkempt QUT defender making some awful guttural noises, who many believe was wrongly acquitted in the recent rabies doping scandal. The referee promptly pointed to the spot and it was Cote who shook off the animalistic challenge to coolly slot the ball into the bottom right corner past the hapless keeper, to the raucous applause from the fans. 1-0 Hatchets!
Not dissimilar to the Hatchets’ emblem, the Caduceus, it wasn’t long before the team launched another vicious strike.
Under heavy pressure from the captain, Demidinok, the QUT right back played a poor pass meant for his centre-back across to the dangerously onrushing winger Adam Irelandes. Irelandes casually knocked it passed the star-crossed defender and took it in his stride toward goal when he saw Demidinok cleverly running off the shoulder of the QUT right back eager to make up for his earlier error. Irelandes slipped a near perfect ball to Demidinok who controlled it well and slotted calmly passed the onrushing keeper. 2-0 Hatchets!
The QUT team, rallied by anger, and, allegedly, a non-lethal variant of the rabies virus, came out hard against the Hatchets. Pressuring the Hatchets flanks, a poor ball was forced to be played into midfield that fell to a ravenous, snarling midfielder who played a sharp ball to his striker, who, despite the visible foaming from his mouth, slotted a delicate chip over keeper Drew Williams.
Furious with his defense, and refusing to be beaten any more times that game, Drew Williams would go on to make arguably the save of the season right before half time. A QUT corner was whipped in to their lumbering centre half who got a clean head to direct the ball goalwards. Already breaking off his line, Williams watched in horror as the ball flew over him, towards the underside of the crossbar. He launched himself backwards and got mere fingertips to the ball. Although the ball was still directed goalward, this was all the help Cecchi needed to acrobatically clear the ball out of the danger area before hilariously losing footing ‘Cecchi-esque’ and injuring his knee on the post.
The second half started with a bang after a promising attacking movement from the Hatchets resulted in a fairly benign ball being played into the box off the shiny head of the ever-dangerous Demidinok. This would have been dealt with easily had it not been for a particular QUT defender screaming something about ‘needing a vaccine’ and visibly confused about his surroundings smashed the ball into the back of his own net. 3-1 Hatchets!
The rest of the game saw the discernibly frustrated QUT FC team launch men forward with gay abandon in search for a goal that would allow them to save face. Unfortunately for them, this played right into the Hatchets style of play, and it was not long until the home team found the back of the net for the fourth time that afternoon. A cynical foul just outside the 18 yard box led to an excellent chance for the boys in red, as free kick regulars Bjorn ‘Bjornsson Bjorgmeister’ Burgher and Demidinok stood over the dead ball. It was Burgher who eventually submitted the free kick to Demidinok after the dark and mysterious Albanian had threatened to sell Burgher’s family to the Bulgarian slave trade. The goalkeeper could only palm the gloriously whipped kick back into the danger area for John-Mark Lane to clean up as he stroked it into the back of the net. 4-1 Hatchets.
All but completely humiliated QUT picked themselves up to finish the game, despite playing some rough ‘almost Phoenix-like’ football and at one point taking the term ‘spit fire’ to literal extremes, they were no match for a much stronger Hatchets outfit, who inevitably found the net again. Demidinok, not satisfied with his contributions, broke dangerously into the opposition half and played a ball to the most forward player, Irelandes. Irelandes at the edge of the 18 and under immense pressure from the animalistic defenders could only play the ball back to onrushing midfielder John-Mark lane who launched what can only be accurately described as a thunderbastard half-volley from 25 yards which gave the keeper no chance as it flew into the top left corner.
The referee had no choice but to stop the game right on the 90’ to spare further humiliation to the QUT team who were lying motionless on the pitch from a combination of the embarrassment of being routed by their derby team, and the rabies virus that has already potentially infiltrated their central nervous system. Unfortunately for them, it was a day to remember for the Hatchets who are now back on track with their finals preparation. Games in the next week against both QUT and Naita Phoenix will test their resolve, however.
Thanks to Adam Irelandes who agreed to stop staring into his full-length mirror for a few hours, put his shirt back on and write this report.