Herston Penetrated Roughly By Virginians

“Let’s keep our momentum going in the second half” – Jenya Demidenok


A classic game of two halves left the Hatchets still seeking their first win over a team called the Spitfires, as the game ended 4-2. This disappointing result came despite a record attendance and full complement of WAG’s (which stirred up the age-old debate of whether they provided more distraction or inspiration). In the case of the Tuscan Freight Train (aka Steven Cecchi), the recent return to Australia of his better half inspired a determined first half performance that was also notable for several spontaneous howls, gyrations, and thrusts. Unfortunately, the WAG’s were keeping themselves busy so only team pretty-boy Adam Irelandes responded to the primitive mating calls, with the anthropologists amongst the Hatchets support describing the sight as “a rare glimpse into Neanderthal mating rituals.”

The Herston players were fully focused leading up to kick-off, despite a mix-up with the FFA leading to the closure of Jack Speare Park Stadium Arena, ‘the coliseum of Australian football’, which left the Hatchets to play the third new group of Spitfires this season on one of their well-worn training grounds.

Despite the smaller stands and lack of VIP amenities for the WAG’s, the Hatchets kicked off the game with purpose and passing crisper than the pork knuckles from the German Club. The midfield was well marshaled by the aerodynamic all-action Bjorn Burgher, who added impetus and steel. The tireless runs of Toby ‘Get In My’ van Brunckhorst defied physics by giving width to the Hatchet’s play on the impossibly narrow training pitch.

Fortunately for the Hatchets, Pierre-Nicholas Boyer’s girlfriend said she needed him out of the house for a while and he was fronting the midfield three. Showing no rust after his absence due to ‘personal issues’, he combined well with his sometimes-compatriots – the Estonian Enforcer Jenya Demidenok, and Kregg ‘Fuck Off’ Laundon. Boyer’s hard running on the ball balanced well with his hard shouting off the ball in a productive first half for the Hatchets that yielded a well-deserved two goal lead. The movement and passing were a sight to behold as the Hatchets moved the ball across the midfield and back-line with incredible ease. The supporters were on their feet, despite the seated-only stands, with the stewards similarly mesmerised by the footballing feast their hungry hungry eyes had been demanding.

 Given the all-round excellent play, the Hatchets were unlucky to only be 2 goals up at the break. Scott ‘Which State Am I From?’ Klass finished smartly at the near post from a Sonesh Amin corner. Sam ‘or Michael or Bing’ Shum volleyed in the rebound to Demidenok’s shot, which was initially saved by the keeper.

Simon ‘Focused On The Game’ Bennet contributed to the half-time team talk by relaying the minute-by-minute heralding of the first-half Hatchets performance from the referee. The half time team-talk led to premature celebrations with generic American soccer player Scott Klass clarifying several times the definition of premature. Sadly, only one or two comments about keeping the intensity up and avoiding complacency interrupted the self-congratulating and all-round circle jerk.

As if trying to prove the adage, the Hatchets brought out their Mr. Hyde performance in the second half (as later diagnosed by psychic health trainee Bjorn ‘Dr Jekyll’ Burgher) with an insipid and turgid performance.

Up front, Sonesh ‘I’m From The South’ Amin joined Kregg ‘Get The Fuck Out Of My Face, Mate’ Laundon on his biweekly trip to India, Vietnam, or Toowoomba that happened to coincide with the second half.  Their absences led to an onslaught from the Spitfires, who were themselves missing approximately 450lb of footballer after the break as their star centre-forward left to go to work on a rack of ribs.

The previously smooth passing of the ball morphed into a horrendous display of poor touches and slow movement with Spitfires-lite proving too quick for the tired-looking Hatchets. Time and again, the speedy Spitfires striker somehow slipped straight through the midfield and took an express mag-lev past the defense. Before any mating rituals could be completed and exact definitions on premature were decided, the Hatchets had already conceded 4 goals. Asian readers will easily infer the 4-2 scoreline.

It became difficult to sort amongst the 6’s and 7’s as none of the Hatchets distinguished themselves in a game that represented several steps back for the team after steady steps forward in the past few games. The majority of supporters, previously in dreamland, left the game as soon as the fourth goal went in. Those who chose to remain until the final whistle clearly did so only because they required the stadium WI-FI to remove their check-ins to the game and delete their tweets supporting the Hatchets. With an uncertain schedule owing to referee availability, capriciousness of opponents, and the recent spate of investigations into the stadium, the Hatchets may have to wait a while before they get to make up for what was an extremely frustrating loss.

Thanks again to Michael Alim for writing this match report. I hope the time spent hunched over your computer didn’t exacerbate that chronic back pain too much, mate.

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