Hatchet’s lose as boys are ‘dogged’

Word has been put out this week that Hatchet’s officials are trying to locate the whereabouts of vagabond DJ and regular no-show Adam Irelandes.

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Irelandes rocking the decks. Source: Adam Irelande’s bathroom mirror.


Friday night saw the Herston Hatchet’s receive one of their hardest fought and most disappointed losses in recent times. A fatigued, under-manned and over-intoxicated Herston took to a small, wet pitch at Mansfield on Friday night against the Croation resident team Sunnyside UTD.

Many of the Herston Med XI squad had completed their exam blocks during week, suffering what was without question a gruelling exam schedule. Several of these players were not fit to play on Friday night, given that the game was at 8:15pm and many had entered levels of inebriation that mimicked cerebellar stroke hours earlier.

However, with the number of goals scored in the match well exceeding the temperature on the pitch, it wasn’t the medical students that were being questioned about their performance.

“Where the #### is Adam Irelandes?” was heard across the pitch last Friday as Tej Sidhu prepared his squad for the oncoming onslaught of a match.

“Adam will be here, he wouldn’t dog the boys like this,” said Graves about Irelandes before the match. What Hatchet’s coach Grave’s had forgotten is that Irelandes has exhibited a pattern of dogging the boys in recent months.

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Irelandes ‘dogging the boys’

Most recently Irelandes missed the inaugural Hatchet’s signing ceremony held last month in an undisclosed location in Woolloongabba. Named the honorary chairman (a position that holds no power and actually comes with several disadvantages) the ceremony was held up for several hours awaiting his arrival. With the only communication from Irelandes himself arriving at 10:42pm, he was not seen at that event. Pundits are speculating that Irelandes has exited society and moved to his parent’s basement where he is experimenting with a new type of German techno he will pioneer over the coming months. Others question whether he is being held against his will in Thailand, his summer vacation going awry after a series of unfortunate incidents.

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Photos surface of Irelandes. Source: Bangkok Police

“This sort of behaviour is unprofessional, unsportsmanlike and frankly just un-Australian,” said all-time Australian great Sam Kekovich, who just happened to be walking through Mansfield on Friday night.

“I don’t know this Adam fella, but I tell you what, it’s just not right! This joker won’t be eating any lamb this year I know that for sure.”

Regardless of Irelandes current location, occupation and potential vacation prostration fellation situation, the majority of the Herston Hatchet’s squad are holding him entirely responsible for the result on Friday night. Selection officials are discussing the situation.

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Hatchet’s defeat Sunshine 4-1

Fans packed the stand, rainwater pooled across the pitch and anxiety peaked as the exam-weary Hatchets pulled a dominating 4-1 win over Sunshine Lions on Friday night.

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Hatchets take third on the SEQ Division 1 ladder.

With another dominating win last week, the Herston Hatchets look ready to put the previous week’s disappointing loss behind them in their mission to assert themselves in the Friday night South East Queensland football league. Being warned by coach, manager, Emperor and benevolent dictator Alex Graves to keep their mouths shut and eyes on the ball, the Hatchets were on their best behaviour – with very positive results.

The Sunshine Lions have had a mixed season so far, tying 4-4 with the current league leaders just one week before facing the Hatchets. Earlier in the season they had a 7-3 win over SYL, convincingly retiring the team that have been the undoing of Herston in all four of their meetings. A physical, fast and highly skilled team, the Hatchets would need things to go in their favour on Friday night if they were to pull a W.

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Welch observes from the sideline after his assist on the first goal of the match. 

This advantage came early with the sideline after his assist on the first goal of the match. Well-and-truly out of position, Andrew Welch started the game on Friday creating a left-wing link up by pushing several runs before linking up with forwards. Fast on the ball and consistently beating defenders, Welch found himself in promising position, cutting in from the left wing towards the opposition 18. With Hatchets forwards pressing the box, Welch cut a ball across the Lions defensive line, finding Darius Kay outside the back post. To cries of ‘OFFSIDE REF!’, Darius made no mistake, nutmegging the goalkeeper convincingly and putting the Hatchet’s to an early 1-0 lead.

This would be the start of the end for the Lions. Thrown off by the first of many rough calls by the referee of the night, the Lions became frustrated – emulating the Hatchets of the week before. This frustration led to back tackles, free kicks and missed plays by the Sunshine side. One such mistake saw Hatchet’s midfielder Austin, Texas, receiving a studs-up slide-tackled just inside the opposition 18. Regardless of what happened on that penalty, the result was a corner to the Hatchet’s. Tightly lacing his boot, Edey – taking the corner – signalled to the referee it was time. Knowing the signal, the ref briefly pulled aside several Lion’s players while Edey took the cross. Finding Tej Sidhu without any opposition, Tej deposited the ball for the Hatchet’s second of the night.

Half-time saw the Med XI being 2-0 up and in high spirits. Calm and collected words from Manager Tej Sidhu reminded the boys to keep their heads down and eyes on the goal. The Hatchet’s were listening.

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Sidhu offers half-time words to the very aesthetic Hatchets

The second half saw the Lion’s come out hard – looking to make up the deficit. Fortunately, newly named Herston captain Rockie Kang continued his form this season, organising the back line effectively and rebuffing all assaults mounted by the Lions. Which was good given that the Herston midfielders have not made it back in defence once this season.

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Bjorne takes one of many free-kick at the half-way line.

As part of drafting this year, Herston made a packaged purchase of first and second year med students John Zhang and Darius Kay. Though critics criticised for buying the two players together, one being the team’s resident power-defender (Zhang) and the other a rolling-rock forward (Kay), it was thought the package-deal would not be a practical fit in the team. Critics were wrong. Fifteen minutes into the second half Andrew Welch yet again found himself unable to get back in defence. Making up for this mistake, John Zhang gained possession from the Lions midfielder, beating him and finding himself ten yards inside Lion territory. At this point Lions defender’s hands shot up – Welch was miles offside and Zhang had few options.

Zhang – finding options in his draft partner – invented a pass through Lion’s defenders to an onside Darius Kay. Finding himself one-on-one with the keeper, Darius nutmegged him again, sentencing him to join the spice team and putting the Hatchet’s to three-up.

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Schemata for Zhang’s miraculous goal.

Not finished, Zhang took it upon himself to invent some more plays shortly after. Pushing a run down the left wing, beating the Lion’s defenders, he stepped the goalkeeper and stopped the ball on the line next to the Lion goal. An expert in Pythagorean theory, Zhang performed a 180-noscope and deflected a shot off the final Lions defender and sending Hatchet’s to 4-0.

By this point, the Lions began to self-destruct. Abusive words to the referee saw several yellow cards being delivered for dissent. Despite the frustration, a consolation goal was found for the Sunshine side. Playing short off a corner, the Sunshine centre put a pass through the mass of players in the box, finding a Sunshine forward who managed to beat Hatchet’s keeper Graves, taking the final score to 4-1.

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Hatchet’s Temperament questioned after upset loss.

The Herston Hatchet’s lost 2-0 against Acacia Ridge SYL on Friday night sparking questions about the maturity of the side moving into mid-season.


Coming off a strong 4-0 victory over league veterans ‘War Pigs’, the Herston Hatchets are showing flashes of brilliance this season that are inspiring pundits to believe they may reach the potential promised within this building team. Defense veterans Rockie Kang and Patrick Jay have linked up with the new signings to keep the Hatchet’s goal concession one of the lowest in the league. Striker Collin Greer, with new signing Darius Kay as his companion forward, has been on a hot streak with Greer scoring 5 goals in the previous two games. And it has been seen in the last few weeks that the Hatchets have made great strides in the midfield with the 2017 veteran Moonie Singh welcoming USA midfielders Austin Jabbour, Marcus Davis and Kenny Hunt, developing a dominant controlling style in the center of the pitch and opening plays utilizing the speed of the wingers and power of the forwards.

The Herston Med XI have shown that they are top contenders in the SEQ football league. In 2016 they took fourth place losing to a strong Old Bridge side in the first semi-final after being up 2-0 for most of the game. In 2017 they finished fourth again however this time lost to Acacia Ridge SYL in the elimination final, keeping the game nil-all until giving away a penalty in front of their own goal in the 80th minute, conceding a goal and losing 1-0.

Sitting in fourth place and with a promising start to 2018, Friday night highlighted an ongoing struggle with the one remaining puzzle piece that stand between the Hatchets and Friday night social league soccer superstardom.

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Hatchet’s starting line up for Friday night. Real field size imaged.

Last Friday saw the Hatchet’s take on last year’s season-enders, Acacia Ridge SYL, on the small Spanish Center pitch. From early in the game the Hatchets looked frustrated. The pitch was small, the air hung in a cold frost and many players were weary from studying for upcoming exams. More importantly SYL were playing their archetypal style of short, quick play – rushing their opposition on offense and fouling in defense. The Hatchet’s midfield quickly became nullified as any possession resulted in several SYL defenders grouping on one Hatchet player and either dispossessing them or bringing them to ground.

With early frustration came an early concession. SYL took possession around the midfield and worked their quick passing game towards the Hatchet’s box. Though not low in defensive numbers the Hatchets made a mistake: offering the SYL midfielder too much respect in front of the box and relenting excess space. This resulted in the first shot of the game slipping into the bottom of the goal out of range of keeper Graves’ left hand.

It was after this wake up that the forward line attempted to even the scores. Greer came close with a countering run. With the SYL defensive line forward on offense Greer found himself on a darting break with the SYL final defender. Under pressure, he dashed a shot across the goal barely missing the far post. Further attacks were no more fruitful.

“Look, I’m pissed off,” exclaimed Manager Alex Graves at half time. “From the back I’m seeing our boys jumping in to bad tackles, ball watching and losing possession too easily. We need to play our game and dominate these sides!”

The second half would not be any better. Bad tackles by both sides (particularly the SYL contingent), complaints to the referee and five yellow cards marred the half. Herston attempted to use their size and strength in tackles to regain dominance on the pitch. They improved on their first half performance. However again a lapse in focus from the reds in midfield and defense allowed an SYL throw-in from half way to turn into a break with nothing but Graves between the SYL striker and the goal. With little hope, Graves’ best efforts were not able to stop the shot fired from well within Hatchet’s territory and SYL were away: 2-0. This goal knocked what was left out of the Herston sails and sealed the final score.

The Hatchets were the better side on Friday night but SYL were capable and willing to utilize the lack of focus and prudence form the Hatchets to add a victory to the table, threatening the top four. Finding answers and goals early this season, the Hatchets are looking like a winning side. But if they are to be the side that takes the trophy we must keep asking for more answers. This time we must ask whether they have the winning temperament to win tough games and hold their form throughout the season. It is yet to be seen whether the side will mature into the best side they can and play at the level that we are all hoping to see.

Dan Edey writes for the Hatchets Tabloid and is an upstanding journalist who writes only the most honest and legitimate news. Follow the Facebook page for more updates from the Herston Med XI.

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Hatchet’s Bulletin!

Three weeks of football have gone by in the blink of an eye. While many med students (like this reporter) have been laying low on their inter-rotation break, the Herston Hatchet’s have been hard at work putting balls in the goals and points on the board. Here are the bulletins for all die-hard Hatchet’s fans to catch up on the latest Med Football news:

Hatchet’s Bulletin:

  • Hatchets are robbed by Brisbane All Stars 3-2 [Loss]
  • Doping allegations surface for Hatchets forward Collin Greer
  • Herston Hatchets defeat Acacia Ridge Elite Blue 5-2 [Win]
  • Coach Graves replaces Darius Kay with a literal golem
  • Hatchets defeat Acacia Ridge MBC 5-0 and secure third on the table [Win]

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Hatchet’s are robbed by Brisbane All Stars 3-2

May began with the Hatchets team showing a rare lapse in form at their home field of [Logan]. The Hatchets showed up with a strong first half against the young guns Brisbane All Stars, with Hatchet’s star 20m sprinter Collin Greer getting into the game early. The hatchet’s trademark wing domination was in full effect, with Greer obtaining possession in the 15th minute on the left, stepping inside and firing a right footed cross to the back of the opposition box. The far end of this rainbow found a pot of gold in Sam Grace’s boot, cruising gently under the goal keeper and putting the Hatchet’s up early. The lead was then consolidated again by Greer, as he slotted a free kick outside the box straight over the keepers head. Despite this spike in form by forward Greer, the Hatchets were not able to hold up throughout the game.

Recent problems amongst the ranks of the Herston eleven have seen breaks seep into both midfield communication and passing game. This has left the team found wanting against teams with a skilled midfield. Brisbane All Stars showed their hand in this manner, with a dominant performance from their forward mid, who, being much faster than he looked, generated space behind the box on almost every play. This found Hatchet’s Keeper Graves in several one-on-one situations and allowed the All Stars to deliver three striking goals in the second half, all from within the box. It was the first loss of the season for the Hatchets and a telling one for the areas where the squad needs to improve.

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Doping allegations rock the Hatchet’s foward line

Despite the Hatchet’s recent slump in form, one player has come into form in a drastic way and as such has come under heat  as doping allegations come to the surface. Known for his blistering runs and 20-hour a day USMLE study program, a tipster has alerted the SEQ Friday Football league that Collin Greer may not be au naturel.

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File photo of Hatchet’s USA College pickup, Collin Greer

“Have you seen the boy run?” said the tipster. “It’s like watching a pit bull running towards a family picnic while also studying microbiology, physiology and pharmacology all at once! It’s not right I tell you.”

While the tipster’s credibility is being confirmed, counter-intelligence has noted several phone calls to the league from Hatchet’s bench warmer Matthew Youssef. Greer is under investigation however it is likely the controlled substances he has been caught with while in transit are his study aids, Adderall and Modafinil.


Herston Hatchet’s defeat Acacia Ridge Elite team

In light of the allegations against him, Collin Greer has continued to perform for the Hatchets in recent times. May 11th saw the boys take on the Acacia Ridge Elite Blue side at the Spanish Karaoke Club; a grudge match from 2016 at the team’s favourite party venue. The Hatchets were undermanned in this game, as most of the third-year medical students had disappeared for their one-week break. However – showing great promise for the future of the side – the newer Hatchets roster established their position within the team, stomping a dominant victory against the Acacia side.

Going down 2-0 at half time, the Hatchets were somewhat befuddled, lapsing to their weakness in the middle of the pitch. However it was at this point that Greer decided to do something, or take something, or something, and turn the game around. Within 20 seconds of the second half, he had scored twice, bringing the game to two-all. Not content, the Hatchet’s forward decided to dribble past the entire Acacia side once again, this time running the ball into the goal after doing a wicked spin past the goal keeper. A dominating show from the totally legitimate forward.

Two follow-up goals put the final score to 5-2, in favour of the men in red.

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Coach Graves replaces Darius Kay with a literal golem

With the Hatchets pulling a necessary victory to maintain good footing on the ladder, in mid-May the teams coach, overlord, and benevolent leader Alex Graves decided it was time for a small tweak in the team’s forward line-up. Darius Kay, the Hatchet’s new holding-forward, has been a consistent and effective striker this season. A high-powered 6-foot-2 diesel powerhouse, Kay has been imposing himself in the Hatchet’s side as a linchpin for receiving balls in the box and distributing on the counter-attack.

However, coach and solipsistic leader Graves made a shock decision last week to trade Darius to the Wednesday league in exchange for a literal Golem.

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Darius Kay and a representation of the trade replacement playing striker for the Hatchets

“Look honestly, no one is going to know the difference,” said Graves. “Golems don’t eat anything and I can’t afford to keep feeding Darius after games, the man is hungrier than Patrick Jay’s Hummer rip-off.”

While not confirming from where Graves sourced a magically animated anthropomorphic conglomeration of clay and stone, it has played well for the Hatchet’s with the TAB. The team’s odds for finishing in first place this season are now at $1.01.


Hatchet’s defeat Acacia Ridge MBC, securing third on the table

The generally disapproved  APPROVED AND WIDELY LOVED decision by Graves to trade Darius for an obedient stone husk proved to be invaluable in last Friday’s game against Acacia Ridge’s B team, MBC. Heading into half time at 0-0, the Hatchet’s were walking a tightrope of falling into old patterns allowing soft goals through the midfield. However, as quick as he is to offer drinks off the pitch, manager Tej Sidhu was as quick to offer words of wisdom and delivered a half-time speech that could have put Gordon Gekko to shame.

With new-found motivation, as well as two strikers who may not pass league rules, the Hatchet’s midfield imposed their dominance on the pitch. With many complaints to the referee, MBC yielded to the physically dominating play, mostly under threat of Golem. Devastating runs from new midfielder and male model, Kenny Hunt, with a quick offload put defender Andrew Welch within striking distance early in the second-half. Ten yards outside the box, Welch launched a right-footer over the keeper in the top right, to put the Hatchets into the lead early in the second half.

Shortly after this first goal, the floodgates opened. With Edey finding the head of Darius GOLEM in the box, pushing the lead to 2-0 early in the second. This was followed up briefly by a left wing run from Edey, with a shocking shot underneath the goal keeper from the edge of the box. Suddenly the Med Eleven had a strong lead.

While conceding several goals, the complaints from MBC eventually got under the skin of the Referee. In retaliation to the complaints, the ref decided it would be fair if the Hatchets were reduced to 10 men and presented Hatchet’s midfielder Moonie Singh with a blue card for falling over.

Despite the man disadvantage, the offence from Darius AN ACTUAL GOLEM continued. Yet another piece from Kenny led to a grounded cross into the box. Carrying three defenders in his shoulders, the Golem found foot to ball a few yards from the goal – tearing a hole in the back of the net and putting the Hatchet’s to 4-0.

With the Hatchet’s finally finding form in the season and starting to look like a formidable opponent in the Friday league, all that was left was to add insult to injury and increase the team’s GD on the ladder. In this spirit, defender and hair model John Zhang found himself on a counter in the opponent’s half. Pulling the defender to the left, Zhang slipped the ball on to the left foot with the grace of a corner dealer, before placing a nasty shot to the bottom right of the goal. Final score: 5-0.

With this win, the Hatchet’s have staked spot sitting third on the SEQ Football League ladder. With rivals ‘Old Bridge’ sitting in first place and three teams within two points of the boys, the next few games will be crucial in holding a top-four finish for the med in red.

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This Friday the Hatchet’s take on War Pig’s United, who sit eleventh on the table. Stay tuned.

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Hatchet’s Cleave Logan Bogans

“Bring that psychiatrist over here! One session with me, I tell you what, he’ll be right messed up” – Slacks Creek’s best player and coach after ?? beers on the sideline.

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Friday night saw the Hatchet’s claim a convincing 4-2 win over the Creek Sockatoos at Slacks Creek (we don’t know where it is either don’t worry). The game started with the Hatchet’s favourite referee from 2017 telling both captains that he ‘really isn’t feeling it tonight’ and that we should all just ‘have a beer and take it easy’.

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Hatchet’s Lineup

Shortly after, the Hatchet’s kicked off promptly to Nathan Sayer on the left wing. Asserting his prowess and dominance early, Nathan made a dynamite run down the left wing, before several quick passes with the centres put the Hatchet’s in the box early. To the Sockatoo’s credit, their scramble defence was effective and they managed to clear the ball. Shortly after, a good ball from Colin Greer down the wing put Daniel Edey in behind the defence line. Crossing in off the right boot, the Hatchet’s players were in position but the Sockatoos again managed to clear the ball. This was repeated for the first 15 minutes of the game.

Mounting in frustration from both teams, the Sockatoos managed to take dominant control of the midfield through similar strategies to Russia’s handling of the Mujahideen in the 1980s. That is, intimidation, threats against family members, and general destruction of everything within range. This midfield control switched early possession in favour of the Sockatoos, with the Hatchet’s passing game falling apart for fear of their loved one’s lives.

Putting his cigarette out on Hatchet’s midfielder Josh Baker, the Sockatoo’s bearded lynchpin transition midfielder worked the ball to the right winger in the 23rd minute. This play became a staple of the Sockatoo’s offense where, much like Russia in Afghanistan in 1985, they made several quick attacks down the right side.

After another midfield transition, the Sockatoos caught the Hatchet’s retreating like the Afghanistan military in 1979 and launched an offensive through their right winger. Working past Hatchet’s defender Andrew Welch, who was busy trying to decipher the unintelligible drivel being spewed from the Sockatoo bench, the Sockatoo winger launched a deadly cross into the Hatchet’s box. Deflected by keeper Graves, the Sockatoo striker found foot to ball and put Slacks Creek up 1-0.

Dejected, intimidated and endlessly frustrated, the Hatchet’s turned to their warcry of old:

“It’s still nil all boys!!” cried Emporer Graves, more out of threat than encouragement.

Rallying like the foreign mercenaries against the Soviets, the Hatchet’s found themselves in a good position after kick-off. Quick work down the left wing put Nathan in a striking position in the box. His left foot shot was deflected down but found Hatchet’s striker Darius in the box. With his back to the goal, Darius turned onto his right, released a ball into the bottom right corner of the goal and satisfied Emporer Graves. It was 1-1.

Unfortunately, the Sockatoos had similar ideas. Quickly redoubling their dominance in the middle, they shut down the Hatchets. The usual Hatchet’s game of quick passing, attacking through balls and crosses into the box ceased. The Hatchet’s found themselves intimidated by the militant tactics and threats against their loved ones.

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Sockertoo’s bench after every call by the referee

The usually strong midfield was sorely missing no-show Moonraj Singh, who was enjoying single life that night. Wing control was relinquished to the opponents and all talk on the pitch was quiet enough that the mindless dribble of the Sockatoo’s bench warmers was all that could be heard.

This was made worse in the 30th minute when another attack down the right-wing lead to a nasty cross into the Hatchet’s box. This cross found the head of the Sockatoo’s centre, beating keeper Graves and putting the home side ahead 2-1.

For the Hatchet’s the half time talk would be of great importance.

“Look guys, I’m pissed off. This is garbage. If we lose to these guys I don’t know what I’ll do, but you won’t like it.” motivated Graves. “Our next training session will look like Afghanistan after the Soviet retreat if we don’t get it together!”

Needless to say, the pep talk was effective. Early in the second half, winger and all-round-great-guy Dan Edey lifted the left wing, making several aggressive plays into the Sockatoo’s defense line without the ball. The Hatchet’s midfield slowed the play, took control, and regained possession. With control of the midfield returned to Hatchet’s, the Sockatoo’s midfield tiring and their bench turning on the referee, the Hatchet’s looked convincing.

In the 45th minute, Nathan – who had been fouled so many times that Oprah has started organising a charity event ‘Justice for Nathan’ – decided to take matters into his own hands. After the Sockatoo’s winger aimed a throw-in directly at his face from two yards and then attempted to perform a full-nelson suplex on him, Nathan gained possession of the ball and dribbled past the entire Sockatoo’s team twice – out of spite. To finish his run he filed a nasty left-footer under V for ‘vengeance’ in the bottom left of the goal. Two-all. The game was tied. Graves smirked.

Rallying, the Hatchet’s maintained possession and consolidated quickly. A left-wing play from Matthew Yousef lead to a pass to the flying eagle Tej Sidhu in the box. Taking fourteen deflected shots on goal, Tej eventually found a gap and slipped the ball into the net in what was, objectively speaking, the worst goal in football history.

At this point, the Sockatoo’s team turned on itself. A clever move from striker Colin found his knee colliding with the Sockatoo’s winger, turning his kneecap to dust. With their player out it was time for the Sockatoo’s MVP and toughest bench warrior to take the pitch, which he did in a very loud and generally distasteful manner. Within two minutes of taking the pitch the Sockatoos professional mouth-runner #7 decided it was a good idea to taunt Hatchet’s defender Rocky, after Rocky was brought down from behind.

Running twenty yards to laud over Rocky – who was still on the ground – he let out his war cry: “Get up you pussy! What a dive!” This would see the first of three yellow cards for the night, mostly because the referee ran out of good comebacks.

Avenging his fallen comrade, Nathan decided to make another devastating run past the entire Sockatoo’s team. Nathan concluded this run with a curling left-foot strike into the bottom left corner. This strike was apparently so devastating that resident defender and psychiatrist Bjorne reported today that two of the Sockatoo’s defenders have been admitted for psychiatric management. It also put the Hatchet’s further in front, 4-2.

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Re-creation of the Soccertoo’s team after Nathan’s second goal.

It was at this point that the Hatchet’s parked the bus. Resorting to a 6-2-2 formation, the Herston Reds deflected all remaining assaults and consolidated their 4-2 win. After the game the Creek Sockatoo’s were seen at the clubhouse, drinking warm beer in complete silence, abjectly defeated.

With this win the Hatchet’s slither into third position on the ladder behind old rivals Old Bridge. More to come; bring money.

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Hatchets achieve 1st win of the season

It was a damp, wet, and moist night at the Spanish Centre in Acacia Ridge. In the darkness, a single fan stood to watch her favourite team, as the Hatchet’s established dominance over their opponents.

Already plagued by injuries the Hatchets claimed the first victory of their campaign with a 4-2 win over Southside Punjabi to see themselves elevated into 3rd place on the ladder. It was a tough victory for the team with the recent string of injuries. The team hopes and prays that starting centreback, Eric Shuffle, will overcome his pulled plantaris and pulled palmaris, but hope remains elusive as he continues to deadlift before every game.

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Second-in-command Tej (puppet to Emperor Graves) developed a sophisticated new lineup, which saw 4 goals all from different players. The first goal was a much-deserved penalty as Josh Baker suffered a gruesome push in the back in the box that resulted in a T8 vertebral fracture. He subsequently converted that PK and out the Hatchets up 1 – 0. He would have gone to the hospital, but fear for his family’s life from Emperor Graves saw those plans destroyed.

Later on, in the first half, the Hatchets saw another goal. Little known to the entire squad, first-year Austin can run and dribble . . . at the same time. He managed to dribble past every player on the opposing team including the players on the bench and then dribbled into the goal. He would have kept running and dribbling after he scored but was eluded by the net. His long, head down, no pass run saw the Hatchets go up 2 – 0 in the first half.

On the other end of the field, Graves, confident in his team’s ability to win the game let in a goal to simply make things more interesting. Needless to say, it was a very popular decision as is every single decision he makes . . . or else.

At the start of the 2nd half, the boys were ready to go home. Tej, sick of being a puppet and planning a coup d’état decided to win himself some political leverage and scored a beauty after beating the keeper one on one. TBA when coup will take place. Hatchets up 3 – 1.

Goalkeeper Graves, again, thought, “let’s make this game more interesting” decided to let another goal in. The team was elated with this decision as they love making games close and stressful. Hatchets still up 3 – 2.

Munraj Singh, wary of his impending doom and return to Tinder, took the ball off of Darius and screamed at him, “LEAVE!”  and scored for himself. Replay footage revealed that Darius was point blank in front of an open net and could have scored easily if not for his own teammate, Munraj. With that goal, the Hatchets went up 4 – 2 and took home a win and a good goal differential.

The Hatchets are back on this Friday at 8:15 pm at Usher Park against Slack Creek. Tickets are still available, but supplies are limited.

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Hatchet’s New Squad Force Tie in Round 1

It was morning. The Pacific sun blasted against the corrugated iron sheeting acting as a roof, tied to the top of four crooked bamboo poles. The iron audibly crackled and creaked under the oppressive sun, beneath it the air had become a sauna. We hadn’t slept; training took priority. Lex, a Fijian local who had taken to helping us survive our island retreat, fished Gatorade from an eski and offered them around. Far above us the Union Jack ruffled in the breeze, a reminder than no matter where you go the oppression of British colonialism beat you there.

How did we get here? What was the meaning of all this? Weeks spent on a Pacific Island exposed to the sun, wind and rain, all in the name of football? Pre-season training was definitely underway. Emporer Graves decided to mix things up this season and sent the entire Hatchet’s squad to a summer intensive on a secluded Island with crack Fijian rugby coaches.

“This year no team will push any Hatchet’s player off the ball.” Graves was heard saying. Whether the strange off-season training would be effective would be shown when the season started.


The first test of the Hatchet’s summer preparation came in round 1 of the South East Queensland Division 1 football league last Friday, 13 April. Lining up against a new side, Brisbane Youth FC, the boys looked strong. Brisbane Youth FC showed good ball control, holding possession well in the midfield whenever they got the ball. Fortunately the Hatchet’s side were strong enough after their off-season rugby protocol to rarely lose the ball. Out of frustration Brisbane Youth found the Hatchet’s weakness – slide tackles to the back. Fortunately for Youth FC, the referee was not up to date with the rules and called ‘play on’ while Andrew Bennie was carried off the field after a nasty slide tackle in the back in the tenth minute.

lineup

Hatchet’s line up for Round 1.

Quickly the match reached a stalemate. Youth FC held good ball control transitioning from defence to the midfield but were not able to launch a successful attack past the Hatchet’s seemingly indestructible defensive line-up. The golden head of Rockie Kang, the indomitable dominance of Eric Phillips, the perfect decision making of John Zhang, the… the Irishness of Patrick Jay; the defensive line was unbeatable.

Unfortunately, the fitness of the Hatchet’s was found lacking. The boys were unable to turn their quick wing plays and stabbing centre runs into a result. The match was deadlocked at nil-all by half-time.

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Singh’s latest album ‘Hide yo slams’ cover art. Permissions from Def Jam.

A cracking round of half-time speeches found the Hatchet’s re-focused returning to the field for the second half. The boys played slower,aimed for more midfield control, and began to control the speed of the game. The Hatchet’s looked good until the 65th minute, when Moonie Singh, who is currently on a loan contract from Def Jam Records (where he is the top up-and-coming mixtape feature artist), performed a legal tackle that was deemed a little too effective. He was given ten minutes in the bin to think about what he had done. Or maybe the referee just doesn’t like his music.

During those ten minutes, Youth FC were awarded a free-kick against Alex Graves for a lovely save outside the box in which his hands did not contact the ball. Apparently goal-keepers must use their hands at all times, this is a new rule for SEQ Football. This free-kick was converted off a rebound. 1-0 to Youth FC.

Despite the injustice, the Hatchet’s did not miss a beat. Redoubling their quick middle strikes, Nathan Sayer was in position when an awry back-pass from Youth FC found its way to his feet. Nathan ‘Captain Closer’ Sayer did not miss a beat and slipped the ball into the open net.

1 – 1

With two minutes to go, the Hatchet’s maintained control of the ball and tried to consolidate the game into a last-minute win. However, on weary legs, frustrated, and thinking back to the fun in the sun of pre-season, the boys could not execute. The game finished one-all. The coaching staff are happy with the effort for the new Hatchet’s squad in not losing points in the first game.

Result

Final result for round 1. Hatchet’s pull a single point leaving them in the centre of the table.

This Friday the boys will be playing Southside Punjabi at Acacia Ridge. We wish them luck. Stay tuned for updates on the upcoming intra-mural grudge match between UQ Med, UQ Law and EQ Economics.

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