Hatchets and Griffith Med face off in the Fortress

Last week the University of Queensland Fortress played witness to a true historic clash of the titans: Griffith Med vs. UQ Med. Ninety-minutes of ego-driven blood, guts, terrible offside calls and questionable slide tackles saw a very high-quality competition between the two medical schools.

Lining up at midday on a hot, dry Sunday, without a cloud in the sky, Hatchet’s own Dan Edey blew the starting whistle as the official match referee and unofficial team dad.
The match started with several hard contests and midfield control. The seven-foot-two Griffith centre made strong work with the Griffith captain to ensure that the centre of the pitch was Griffiths in the air and on the ground. This led to several early chances for the Gold Coast contingent.


Kang laying up his impressive goal off a free-kick just inside the Griffith half.

The Hatchets, however, stuck to their usual form of play. Utilising the centre of the pitch only to work the ball towards the wings. In the seventeenth minute the Hatchet’s found their first bit of luck. After not calling 12 fouls, the ref decided to call a bad tackle just within Griffith’s half. Hatchet’s captain Rockie Kang stepped up to take the free kick. A lofty, hard ball curving left, it carried well over the defensive line and beat the keeper to the top right of the goal. An impressive goal to the Hatchet’s defender.

The contest would begin to heat up throughout this half, with tackles becoming harder, from more dangerous angles and with many players ending up on the ground. Unable to control the play, Edey called half time.


Andrew Welch just moments before he was hospitalised.

With the start of the second half play settled again somewhat. Legend status Hatchets players Donald and current drinks captain (at the end of his term) Michael Gibney played a strong game in the centre and wing. Gibney made several typical runs on the left wing, beating multiple Griffiths defenders. In the 60th minute one such run proved fruitful for the Hatchets.

Pushing the left wing off a quick through ball Gibney beat four Griffith players by himself, one by doing a sweet turn and another with a backflip. After beating these players Gibney then put the ball on his left foot from 30 metres out and drove the ball dead flat clean at the goal keeper – nutmegging the keeper and actually setting fire to the net for the Hatchet’s second goal. This is what Gibney told me at least, I wasn’t watching at the time as I was on Tinder. Either way, 2-0 to the Hatchets.


Michael Gibney apparently sticking a sweet spin before he literally backflipped the defender next to him. Note: Dad Edey to the left of screen.

Griffith would not rest long. After a sequence of play off the kick off Griffith pushed several quick passes through the centre, finding their captain on the edge of the Hatchet’s box. With a quick right step and an impressive shot beating Graves to the bottom corner of the goal, putting the score at 2-1 with fifteen minutes remaining.

With fatigue setting in, the sun bearing down and 75 hard minutes of football passed, both teams began making mistakes and poor tackles. Fouls started being given in both directions and back lines started failing to get back. The most notable of these fouls was a beautiful Maradona from the 7″2′ Griffith centre, who scored a goal with a volleyball spike off a Griffith corner that floated across the box.

Taking advantage of the fatigue, ex-state sprinter Nathan Sayer made several deadly runs on Gibney’s wing, pushing Gibney over on the way through and being sure to nutmeg his teammate on the way through. One of these runs – in fact the only one that Sayer wasn’t offside for – found Sayer past the Griffith back line in a contest with the Griffith keeper.


Sayer being blatantly fouled inside the Griffith 18 yard box. Free-kick to Griffith.

Not to make a mistake, Sayer slipped the ball off his left foot past the Griffith keeper to put the Hatchets out 3-1. Bored, terrified and with a girl messaging him back on Tinder, Edey blew the final whistle for the game now and began running home to shower.
Befuddled, both teams accepted the end of the match. Overall it was a fantastic contest with impressive plays from both sides. Hopefully in the future more intra-mural contests like this can be organised, bringing glory to the superior medical school.


Great showing by both sides. The future of QLD Health – it’s a pleasure to play with these people.

In other news, the Herston Hatchets are currently sitting third in the Friday night South East Queensland football league. The last two weeks saw one win (1-0) and one loss (3-1) for the UQ Med team. These games however have been marred by aggressive opposition – highlighted by assaults against two Hatchet’s players in two weeks. While no one has been crucially injured, the team is currently trying to remain focused on their run into finals while letting the league deal with ongoing violence issues.


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Several Hatchets eliminated by unknown assailant during 4-0 victory over Brisbane Youth FC

This Sunday 29th July will see the Herston Hatchets take on Griffith Med in a friendly at UQ field 9 – 12pm. Before this highly anticipated game read up on the winning ways of the Hatchets below


This isn’t the world cup. This isn’t EPL. This isn’t even diamond league. This is South East Queensland Football. This is the league where the rules are written in sand and the referees are trained by the UFC. This is the league where slide tackling is illegal – unless it’s a really good one. In this league, it’s destroy or be destroyed, and this is what the Hatchets do.

Friday night, 20th July, saw the second round of the SEQ Football top teams round-robin continue with the Herston Hatchets facing off against the Brisbane Youth FC: a team that drew with the Hatchets in the first round of the year after coming back 3-0 to tie 3-3. Only this time the Hatchets knew the stakes.

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Hatchets starting lineup on Friday. Substitutions included.

On a large green oval in Logan, with camerawoman Tammy Do standing by, a strong, winning Hatchets side took to the pitch. With expectations high after their 5-2 win the week before, the referee blew the whistle for time on.

Brisbane Youth FC are brilliant on paper. A young, fast, highly skilled team, they fell into the common trap that good teams make against Herston. Aiming for control of the ball in the back line, Youth FC began the game playing a high possession football while trying to find long balls past the Herston back line.

Immediately Herston responded by compacting their 10 men around the half-way line, providing no avenues for attacks from Youth and beating them to the ball in the air. On top of this, Herston looked dangerous early – launching counter-attack after counter-attack off the failed long balls. The Med XI looked promising.

With inspiring fitness, Sam Grace for the Hatchets dominated the right side of the pitch – winning the ball repeatedly off multiple Youth midfielders – and pushed ball after ball to forwards Dan Edey and Josh Baker. This dominance was not fruitful for the first 20 minutes, highlighted by a penalty denial after Moonraj Singh was fouled in the opposition box.


Singh is refused a penalty in the opposition 22-yard box as Youth FC players attempt to achieve human flight.

However, Singh would have his revenge. With the titular Josh Baker moving forward with the ball he found Singh in line with the Youth defence line. A perfect pass cutting the back line would find Moonie meeting with the ball inside the opposition 22, with the keeper being caught in no-man’s land. Clinical, focused, fit, wealthy and healthful, Moonie made no mistakes. A gentle nudge to the bottom right beat the keeper and put the Hatchets up at 20 minutes. 1-0.

The second breakthrough came when Edey was ‘fouled’ 40 yards from the opposition goal on an attempted breakthrough. Kenny Hunt, who had a blistering game placing free-kicks and crosses onto the penalty spot without fail, pushed the ball to the far side of the box, clearing defender’s and attackers’ heads. Fortunately for the Hatchets, Austin happened to be ordering an Uber while standing at the far side of the box. Being hit clean in the head, the ball deflected into the goals and put the Hatchets up 2-0.

Watching this fluke occur from the bench, it wouldn’t be long before Darius Kay was substituted on the pitch to display some actual talent. Being brought in after this foul, Darius dominated quickly, stealing the ball from the defence and quickly distributing like a carjacker at Sunnybank. Just 5 minutes after coming on, at the 25-minute mark, Darius would score. A deflection off a Hatchet’s corner bounced up at the edge of the 22 yard-line to a height of about two metres. Being the human giant, Darius managed to swing his gargantuan lower limb approximately three miles before striking the ball at waist height – a perfect volley into the far-left corner of the goal. 3-0.


Kenny Hunt takes free-kick #4 of 31. This foul would lead to Jabbour’s goal.

Celebrations from this third goal died quickly as the ball was restarted.

“Get me off the pitch guys! I gotta go!” yelled Moonie, running for the sideline.

A Brisbane Youth player was on the ground. He was not well. No one saw exactly what had happened but Moonie, as if acting out of instinct, began running towards Tasmania before being pulled back by player manager Tej Sidhu. The referee stood – stunned, confused, a little more unsure about how his life had lead him to this moment given that just moments earlier he was greatly enjoying his Chicken Chow Mein at a local restaurant – with a yellow card raised overhead. It was thus that he blew the half time whistle, three-nil to the Herston Hatchets

Moonie still will not talk about what had happened in that contact. It was the first of many in this game however. After a ten-minute solstice with the endearing support of their girlfriends – who were watching on with love, expectations and, mostly, boredom – the players returned to the pitch.

It would then be twenty-minutes of standard ticky-tack play, with the Hatchets refusing to relent a goal and Youth FC scrapping desperately to get field position without success. That’s when it started.

Austin Jabbour was the first target. With a cracking noise and a yelp, Austin was brought to the ground clutching at his ankle. Confused and enraged, a nearby Youth FC player appealed to the referee.

“I didn’t do anything sir!! He’s just weak sir I didn’t touch him!” He said. It was the first of the unknown assailant’s attacks.

Just moments later he struck again. In a rabble of a contest Hatchet’s resident dad Matthew Youssef was brought down clutching at his leg. Again, a nearby player was blamed, however this time the player responded to the perplexed referee with a middle finger. It was the first red card of the game.

The next target would be a Youth FC player. Contesting for the ball Hatchet’s number 6 Moonie ran headlong into an opposition player, clearing the ball in the process. Unacceptable. The opposition player had clearly been struck from another direction and was incapacitated. It would be Singh’s second yellow for the game – red card two.


Zouki challenging – and beating – the keeper with a dangerous breakthrough play.

By this point the game was all but over. Casualties were piling up; actual soccer was diminishing and swears in a multitude of languages were surfacing. The team’s psych and tactician Bjorne took the opportunity with both hands. Finding an opposition player who had already been awarded a yellow card, he entered a contest with the player before having a tactical cramp. By now the referee was done. He awarded everyone on the field a red card.

Fortunately, the referee was reminded by another official that this is generally considered unsporting and so he simply awarded a red to the Youth FC player who had breathed on Bjorne. Three red cards.

With just two minutes remaining the match was in shambles. There were 19 players on the pitch, an unknown assailant attacking ankles and more cards than a cheap Vegas casino. It would be the perfect opportunity for the Hatchet’s piranha Jason Zouki to strike. Completely out of position, Zouki somehow obtained the ball in a one-on-one position with the opposition keeper.

“Hey what position am I playing? Am I striker? Hey which way are we going?” asked Zouki. Clearly lost, Zouki assumedly thought it would be best to pass the ball to the goal keeper. Only the goal keeper wasn’t his own and was obviously not paying attention. With a dynamite goal that took everyone by surprise, Zouki put the Hatchets to 4-0. With this, the final whistle blew and the Hatchets secured their spot at the top of the ladder.



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Hatchets keep a cool head to defeat Acacia Elite/Acacia SYL/South East Stars

This year South East Queensland Football is mixing up their league. Part of this is the mid-season shuffle that has occurred after a two-week mid-season break. The result of this shuffle is the top of division one and two being put into a high stakes round-robin in the run up to the finals. All points have been reset and all expectations have been removed.

Round one of the new league for the Herston Hatchets saw them facing the team they had yet to beat, albeit under a different name. The opposition was previously known as Acacia Ridge Elite, then Acacia Ridge SYL and now South East Stars FC. The Stars have always played a high possession, low scoring, ticky-tack type of football that had time and time again been the undoing of the larger power and speed based Hatchets side. This game, however, would be different.

Starting late in the night at Logan, the air temperature dropping to 10 degrees on a dew-covered pitch, the Hatchet’s fielded a somewhat weakened side. Lacking several key defensive players, though strengthened by a cameo from 2017 all-star defender Tim Thorne, the Stars were quickly able to control the midfield of the pitch. Despite this, the ongoing weakness of the Stars side in front of the goal was still present. Even with the majority of possession in the Hatchet’s half for the first 10 minutes, the Stars could not convert.

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Hatchet’s starting lineup. Shout out to Tim Thorne for his cameo from Rockhampton.

With the ongoing play in the Hatchet’s half, the Stars defensive line was caught too far forward several times. The first of which found a fit Nathan Sayer beating the right defender and carrying the ball to the Stars box. A rushing Stars keeper, along with a covering sweeper, managed to shut down Sayer on this run. But Sayer made up for this only a minute later with the same play, this time beating the keeper with a shot to the far corner putting the Hatchet’s in the lead at 12 minutes.

Not to be defeated, the talented Stars side re-took possession of the ball in the Hatchet’s half. After a sequence of control in front of the Hatchet’s box, pushing all ten of their players into the Hatchet’s half to maintain a dominant position, they managed to get on the board. A low shot from the Stars attacking-mid slipped through the defensive line and under keeper Grave’s grasp. One all.

This, however, did not last long. Taking notes from his teammate, Dan Edey found space to make another run into the Star’s half. With a sharp pass from Moonie Singh through the centre, Edey pushed the Star’s back line. Unfazed by the Star’s keeper charging the edge of the 20-yard box, he pushed a shot into the far corner, beating the keeper in height and putting the Hatchets back into the lead.

With half time looming, the Stars again went on the attack. Following several brilliant saves from Alex Graves – the first fully stretched to his left side, collecting the ball inches from the bottom corner of the goal after a short-range shot; another with him deflecting the ball aggressively in a one-on-one with the Star’s striker – the Hatchet’s went into half time with the lead.

The start of the second half saw the floodgates open for Herston. Off the back of a sequence of play from centres Moonie Singh and Sam Grace, Edey found himself again on the edge of the box with possession. Moving to the right, he snuck a shot that glided into to the top left corner, beating a fully stretched Star’s keeper. Three-one.

Not to be outdone, Sayer again found his way to the scoreboard. A melee in the centre off a Hatchet’s goal-kick ended with Hatchet’s possession and a cross to Andrew Welch in the Star’s half. Beating his defender, Welch played a ball forward for a well-positioned Nathan Sayer. Sayer made no mistake in front of the net and pushed an accurate shot to the left of the keeper, well out of his reach. Four-one.

It was then, in the 60th minute, that the game fell apart for both sides. Beginning with a questionable tackle in the Star’s box that saw Moonie Singh brought down by a shoulder to the chest by a Star’s defender – and the ball scattered – the referee called ‘play on’. Then the Stars began their conniving play: rushing free kicks without stopping the ball and moving the ball forward from the mark. Later, slide tackles in the Star’s box went un-penalized and bad tackles leading to Andrew Welch and Austin Jabbour being brought down from behind and attacked on the ground to ‘play on’ calls from the referee.

These incidents came to a head when Moonie was yet again brought to ground in the Star’s half. Singh, with possession, was brought down by an opposition player grabbing his neck from behind. This was responded to by the Hatchets side appealing to the referee to start making calls and punishing players for dangerous play. The response from the Stars was to complain that Singh was wearing a necklace in play, which had been broken by the attack. The referee, clearly distraught with the dissent on both sides, began to pull yellow cards in response. By this point, though, the game was well out of his control and had degraded severely.

Play was stopped consistently for the last 20 minutes to a chorus from both sides appealing for punishments from the referee. Now with very little possession, the Stars made one uncharacteristic break and gained position deep in the Hatchet’s territory. After a messy sequence in front of the goal, a wayward shot managed to find its way past Graves, giving the Stars a glimmer of hope at a comeback.

This hope was destroyed shortly after. Off a possession on the wing from Andrew Welch, Edey again found himself deep in the Star’s half. Beating the defender to the end of the pitch, he put a grounded cross to the feet of Austin in the box. Austin coolly disposed of the ball into the far corner of the goal, making no mistake to bury the Stars. The score was now 5-2 to the Hatchets.

With this, full time was called. The Hatchets had managed to avoid losing their composure when play become difficult and clinically played their best football. This score puts the Hatchet’s at the top of the new ladder and positions them well for the short run-in to finals.


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Hatchet’s lose as boys are ‘dogged’

Word has been put out this week that Hatchet’s officials are trying to locate the whereabouts of vagabond DJ and regular no-show Adam Irelandes.


Irelandes rocking the decks. Source: Adam Irelande’s bathroom mirror.

Friday night saw the Herston Hatchet’s receive one of their hardest fought and most disappointed losses in recent times. A fatigued, under-manned and over-intoxicated Herston took to a small, wet pitch at Mansfield on Friday night against the Croation resident team Sunnyside UTD.

Many of the Herston Med XI squad had completed their exam blocks during week, suffering what was without question a gruelling exam schedule. Several of these players were not fit to play on Friday night, given that the game was at 8:15pm and many had entered levels of inebriation that mimicked cerebellar stroke hours earlier.

However, with the number of goals scored in the match well exceeding the temperature on the pitch, it wasn’t the medical students that were being questioned about their performance.

“Where the #### is Adam Irelandes?” was heard across the pitch last Friday as Tej Sidhu prepared his squad for the oncoming onslaught of a match.

“Adam will be here, he wouldn’t dog the boys like this,” said Graves about Irelandes before the match. What Hatchet’s coach Grave’s had forgotten is that Irelandes has exhibited a pattern of dogging the boys in recent months.


Irelandes ‘dogging the boys’

Most recently Irelandes missed the inaugural Hatchet’s signing ceremony held last month in an undisclosed location in Woolloongabba. Named the honorary chairman (a position that holds no power and actually comes with several disadvantages) the ceremony was held up for several hours awaiting his arrival. With the only communication from Irelandes himself arriving at 10:42pm, he was not seen at that event. Pundits are speculating that Irelandes has exited society and moved to his parent’s basement where he is experimenting with a new type of German techno he will pioneer over the coming months. Others question whether he is being held against his will in Thailand, his summer vacation going awry after a series of unfortunate incidents.


Photos surface of Irelandes. Source: Bangkok Police

“This sort of behaviour is unprofessional, unsportsmanlike and frankly just un-Australian,” said all-time Australian great Sam Kekovich, who just happened to be walking through Mansfield on Friday night.

“I don’t know this Adam fella, but I tell you what, it’s just not right! This joker won’t be eating any lamb this year I know that for sure.”

Regardless of Irelandes current location, occupation and potential vacation prostration fellation situation, the majority of the Herston Hatchet’s squad are holding him entirely responsible for the result on Friday night. Selection officials are discussing the situation.


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Hatchet’s defeat Sunshine 4-1

Fans packed the stand, rainwater pooled across the pitch and anxiety peaked as the exam-weary Hatchets pulled a dominating 4-1 win over Sunshine Lions on Friday night.


Hatchets take third on the SEQ Division 1 ladder.

With another dominating win last week, the Herston Hatchets look ready to put the previous week’s disappointing loss behind them in their mission to assert themselves in the Friday night South East Queensland football league. Being warned by coach, manager, Emperor and benevolent dictator Alex Graves to keep their mouths shut and eyes on the ball, the Hatchets were on their best behaviour – with very positive results.

The Sunshine Lions have had a mixed season so far, tying 4-4 with the current league leaders just one week before facing the Hatchets. Earlier in the season they had a 7-3 win over SYL, convincingly retiring the team that have been the undoing of Herston in all four of their meetings. A physical, fast and highly skilled team, the Hatchets would need things to go in their favour on Friday night if they were to pull a W.

Welch observes from the sideline after his assist on the first goal of the match. 

This advantage came early with the sideline after his assist on the first goal of the match. Well-and-truly out of position, Andrew Welch started the game on Friday creating a left-wing link up by pushing several runs before linking up with forwards. Fast on the ball and consistently beating defenders, Welch found himself in promising position, cutting in from the left wing towards the opposition 18. With Hatchets forwards pressing the box, Welch cut a ball across the Lions defensive line, finding Darius Kay outside the back post. To cries of ‘OFFSIDE REF!’, Darius made no mistake, nutmegging the goalkeeper convincingly and putting the Hatchet’s to an early 1-0 lead.

This would be the start of the end for the Lions. Thrown off by the first of many rough calls by the referee of the night, the Lions became frustrated – emulating the Hatchets of the week before. This frustration led to back tackles, free kicks and missed plays by the Sunshine side. One such mistake saw Hatchet’s midfielder Austin, Texas, receiving a studs-up slide-tackled just inside the opposition 18. Regardless of what happened on that penalty, the result was a corner to the Hatchet’s. Tightly lacing his boot, Edey – taking the corner – signalled to the referee it was time. Knowing the signal, the ref briefly pulled aside several Lion’s players while Edey took the cross. Finding Tej Sidhu without any opposition, Tej deposited the ball for the Hatchet’s second of the night.

Half-time saw the Med XI being 2-0 up and in high spirits. Calm and collected words from Manager Tej Sidhu reminded the boys to keep their heads down and eyes on the goal. The Hatchet’s were listening.


Sidhu offers half-time words to the very aesthetic Hatchets

The second half saw the Lion’s come out hard – looking to make up the deficit. Fortunately, newly named Herston captain Rockie Kang continued his form this season, organising the back line effectively and rebuffing all assaults mounted by the Lions. Which was good given that the Herston midfielders have not made it back in defence once this season.


Bjorne takes one of many free-kick at the half-way line.

As part of drafting this year, Herston made a packaged purchase of first and second year med students John Zhang and Darius Kay. Though critics criticised for buying the two players together, one being the team’s resident power-defender (Zhang) and the other a rolling-rock forward (Kay), it was thought the package-deal would not be a practical fit in the team. Critics were wrong. Fifteen minutes into the second half Andrew Welch yet again found himself unable to get back in defence. Making up for this mistake, John Zhang gained possession from the Lions midfielder, beating him and finding himself ten yards inside Lion territory. At this point Lions defender’s hands shot up – Welch was miles offside and Zhang had few options.

Zhang – finding options in his draft partner – invented a pass through Lion’s defenders to an onside Darius Kay. Finding himself one-on-one with the keeper, Darius nutmegged him again, sentencing him to join the spice team and putting the Hatchet’s to three-up.


Schemata for Zhang’s miraculous goal.

Not finished, Zhang took it upon himself to invent some more plays shortly after. Pushing a run down the left wing, beating the Lion’s defenders, he stepped the goalkeeper and stopped the ball on the line next to the Lion goal. An expert in Pythagorean theory, Zhang performed a 180-noscope and deflected a shot off the final Lions defender and sending Hatchet’s to 4-0.

By this point, the Lions began to self-destruct. Abusive words to the referee saw several yellow cards being delivered for dissent. Despite the frustration, a consolation goal was found for the Sunshine side. Playing short off a corner, the Sunshine centre put a pass through the mass of players in the box, finding a Sunshine forward who managed to beat Hatchet’s keeper Graves, taking the final score to 4-1.


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Hatchet’s Temperament questioned after upset loss.

The Herston Hatchet’s lost 2-0 against Acacia Ridge SYL on Friday night sparking questions about the maturity of the side moving into mid-season.

Coming off a strong 4-0 victory over league veterans ‘War Pigs’, the Herston Hatchets are showing flashes of brilliance this season that are inspiring pundits to believe they may reach the potential promised within this building team. Defense veterans Rockie Kang and Patrick Jay have linked up with the new signings to keep the Hatchet’s goal concession one of the lowest in the league. Striker Collin Greer, with new signing Darius Kay as his companion forward, has been on a hot streak with Greer scoring 5 goals in the previous two games. And it has been seen in the last few weeks that the Hatchets have made great strides in the midfield with the 2017 veteran Moonie Singh welcoming USA midfielders Austin Jabbour, Marcus Davis and Kenny Hunt, developing a dominant controlling style in the center of the pitch and opening plays utilizing the speed of the wingers and power of the forwards.

The Herston Med XI have shown that they are top contenders in the SEQ football league. In 2016 they took fourth place losing to a strong Old Bridge side in the first semi-final after being up 2-0 for most of the game. In 2017 they finished fourth again however this time lost to Acacia Ridge SYL in the elimination final, keeping the game nil-all until giving away a penalty in front of their own goal in the 80th minute, conceding a goal and losing 1-0.

Sitting in fourth place and with a promising start to 2018, Friday night highlighted an ongoing struggle with the one remaining puzzle piece that stand between the Hatchets and Friday night social league soccer superstardom.

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Hatchet’s starting line up for Friday night. Real field size imaged.

Last Friday saw the Hatchet’s take on last year’s season-enders, Acacia Ridge SYL, on the small Spanish Center pitch. From early in the game the Hatchets looked frustrated. The pitch was small, the air hung in a cold frost and many players were weary from studying for upcoming exams. More importantly SYL were playing their archetypal style of short, quick play – rushing their opposition on offense and fouling in defense. The Hatchet’s midfield quickly became nullified as any possession resulted in several SYL defenders grouping on one Hatchet player and either dispossessing them or bringing them to ground.

With early frustration came an early concession. SYL took possession around the midfield and worked their quick passing game towards the Hatchet’s box. Though not low in defensive numbers the Hatchets made a mistake: offering the SYL midfielder too much respect in front of the box and relenting excess space. This resulted in the first shot of the game slipping into the bottom of the goal out of range of keeper Graves’ left hand.

It was after this wake up that the forward line attempted to even the scores. Greer came close with a countering run. With the SYL defensive line forward on offense Greer found himself on a darting break with the SYL final defender. Under pressure, he dashed a shot across the goal barely missing the far post. Further attacks were no more fruitful.

“Look, I’m pissed off,” exclaimed Manager Alex Graves at half time. “From the back I’m seeing our boys jumping in to bad tackles, ball watching and losing possession too easily. We need to play our game and dominate these sides!”

The second half would not be any better. Bad tackles by both sides (particularly the SYL contingent), complaints to the referee and five yellow cards marred the half. Herston attempted to use their size and strength in tackles to regain dominance on the pitch. They improved on their first half performance. However again a lapse in focus from the reds in midfield and defense allowed an SYL throw-in from half way to turn into a break with nothing but Graves between the SYL striker and the goal. With little hope, Graves’ best efforts were not able to stop the shot fired from well within Hatchet’s territory and SYL were away: 2-0. This goal knocked what was left out of the Herston sails and sealed the final score.

The Hatchets were the better side on Friday night but SYL were capable and willing to utilize the lack of focus and prudence form the Hatchets to add a victory to the table, threatening the top four. Finding answers and goals early this season, the Hatchets are looking like a winning side. But if they are to be the side that takes the trophy we must keep asking for more answers. This time we must ask whether they have the winning temperament to win tough games and hold their form throughout the season. It is yet to be seen whether the side will mature into the best side they can and play at the level that we are all hoping to see.

Dan Edey writes for the Hatchets Tabloid and is an upstanding journalist who writes only the most honest and legitimate news. Follow the Facebook page for more updates from the Herston Med XI.

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Hatchet’s Bulletin!

Three weeks of football have gone by in the blink of an eye. While many med students (like this reporter) have been laying low on their inter-rotation break, the Herston Hatchet’s have been hard at work putting balls in the goals and points on the board. Here are the bulletins for all die-hard Hatchet’s fans to catch up on the latest Med Football news:

Hatchet’s Bulletin:

  • Hatchets are robbed by Brisbane All Stars 3-2 [Loss]
  • Doping allegations surface for Hatchets forward Collin Greer
  • Herston Hatchets defeat Acacia Ridge Elite Blue 5-2 [Win]
  • Coach Graves replaces Darius Kay with a literal golem
  • Hatchets defeat Acacia Ridge MBC 5-0 and secure third on the table [Win]


Hatchet’s are robbed by Brisbane All Stars 3-2

May began with the Hatchets team showing a rare lapse in form at their home field of [Logan]. The Hatchets showed up with a strong first half against the young guns Brisbane All Stars, with Hatchet’s star 20m sprinter Collin Greer getting into the game early. The hatchet’s trademark wing domination was in full effect, with Greer obtaining possession in the 15th minute on the left, stepping inside and firing a right footed cross to the back of the opposition box. The far end of this rainbow found a pot of gold in Sam Grace’s boot, cruising gently under the goal keeper and putting the Hatchet’s up early. The lead was then consolidated again by Greer, as he slotted a free kick outside the box straight over the keepers head. Despite this spike in form by forward Greer, the Hatchets were not able to hold up throughout the game.

Recent problems amongst the ranks of the Herston eleven have seen breaks seep into both midfield communication and passing game. This has left the team found wanting against teams with a skilled midfield. Brisbane All Stars showed their hand in this manner, with a dominant performance from their forward mid, who, being much faster than he looked, generated space behind the box on almost every play. This found Hatchet’s Keeper Graves in several one-on-one situations and allowed the All Stars to deliver three striking goals in the second half, all from within the box. It was the first loss of the season for the Hatchets and a telling one for the areas where the squad needs to improve.


Doping allegations rock the Hatchet’s foward line

Despite the Hatchet’s recent slump in form, one player has come into form in a drastic way and as such has come under heat  as doping allegations come to the surface. Known for his blistering runs and 20-hour a day USMLE study program, a tipster has alerted the SEQ Friday Football league that Collin Greer may not be au naturel.


File photo of Hatchet’s USA College pickup, Collin Greer

“Have you seen the boy run?” said the tipster. “It’s like watching a pit bull running towards a family picnic while also studying microbiology, physiology and pharmacology all at once! It’s not right I tell you.”

While the tipster’s credibility is being confirmed, counter-intelligence has noted several phone calls to the league from Hatchet’s bench warmer Matthew Youssef. Greer is under investigation however it is likely the controlled substances he has been caught with while in transit are his study aids, Adderall and Modafinil.

Herston Hatchet’s defeat Acacia Ridge Elite team

In light of the allegations against him, Collin Greer has continued to perform for the Hatchets in recent times. May 11th saw the boys take on the Acacia Ridge Elite Blue side at the Spanish Karaoke Club; a grudge match from 2016 at the team’s favourite party venue. The Hatchets were undermanned in this game, as most of the third-year medical students had disappeared for their one-week break. However – showing great promise for the future of the side – the newer Hatchets roster established their position within the team, stomping a dominant victory against the Acacia side.

Going down 2-0 at half time, the Hatchets were somewhat befuddled, lapsing to their weakness in the middle of the pitch. However it was at this point that Greer decided to do something, or take something, or something, and turn the game around. Within 20 seconds of the second half, he had scored twice, bringing the game to two-all. Not content, the Hatchet’s forward decided to dribble past the entire Acacia side once again, this time running the ball into the goal after doing a wicked spin past the goal keeper. A dominating show from the totally legitimate forward.

Two follow-up goals put the final score to 5-2, in favour of the men in red.


Coach Graves replaces Darius Kay with a literal golem

With the Hatchets pulling a necessary victory to maintain good footing on the ladder, in mid-May the teams coach, overlord, and benevolent leader Alex Graves decided it was time for a small tweak in the team’s forward line-up. Darius Kay, the Hatchet’s new holding-forward, has been a consistent and effective striker this season. A high-powered 6-foot-2 diesel powerhouse, Kay has been imposing himself in the Hatchet’s side as a linchpin for receiving balls in the box and distributing on the counter-attack.

However, coach and solipsistic leader Graves made a shock decision last week to trade Darius to the Wednesday league in exchange for a literal Golem.


Darius Kay and a representation of the trade replacement playing striker for the Hatchets

“Look honestly, no one is going to know the difference,” said Graves. “Golems don’t eat anything and I can’t afford to keep feeding Darius after games, the man is hungrier than Patrick Jay’s Hummer rip-off.”

While not confirming from where Graves sourced a magically animated anthropomorphic conglomeration of clay and stone, it has played well for the Hatchet’s with the TAB. The team’s odds for finishing in first place this season are now at $1.01.

Hatchet’s defeat Acacia Ridge MBC, securing third on the table

The generally disapproved  APPROVED AND WIDELY LOVED decision by Graves to trade Darius for an obedient stone husk proved to be invaluable in last Friday’s game against Acacia Ridge’s B team, MBC. Heading into half time at 0-0, the Hatchet’s were walking a tightrope of falling into old patterns allowing soft goals through the midfield. However, as quick as he is to offer drinks off the pitch, manager Tej Sidhu was as quick to offer words of wisdom and delivered a half-time speech that could have put Gordon Gekko to shame.

With new-found motivation, as well as two strikers who may not pass league rules, the Hatchet’s midfield imposed their dominance on the pitch. With many complaints to the referee, MBC yielded to the physically dominating play, mostly under threat of Golem. Devastating runs from new midfielder and male model, Kenny Hunt, with a quick offload put defender Andrew Welch within striking distance early in the second-half. Ten yards outside the box, Welch launched a right-footer over the keeper in the top right, to put the Hatchets into the lead early in the second half.

Shortly after this first goal, the floodgates opened. With Edey finding the head of Darius GOLEM in the box, pushing the lead to 2-0 early in the second. This was followed up briefly by a left wing run from Edey, with a shocking shot underneath the goal keeper from the edge of the box. Suddenly the Med Eleven had a strong lead.

While conceding several goals, the complaints from MBC eventually got under the skin of the Referee. In retaliation to the complaints, the ref decided it would be fair if the Hatchets were reduced to 10 men and presented Hatchet’s midfielder Moonie Singh with a blue card for falling over.

Despite the man disadvantage, the offence from Darius AN ACTUAL GOLEM continued. Yet another piece from Kenny led to a grounded cross into the box. Carrying three defenders in his shoulders, the Golem found foot to ball a few yards from the goal – tearing a hole in the back of the net and putting the Hatchet’s to 4-0.

With the Hatchet’s finally finding form in the season and starting to look like a formidable opponent in the Friday league, all that was left was to add insult to injury and increase the team’s GD on the ladder. In this spirit, defender and hair model John Zhang found himself on a counter in the opponent’s half. Pulling the defender to the left, Zhang slipped the ball on to the left foot with the grace of a corner dealer, before placing a nasty shot to the bottom right of the goal. Final score: 5-0.

With this win, the Hatchet’s have staked spot sitting third on the SEQ Football League ladder. With rivals ‘Old Bridge’ sitting in first place and three teams within two points of the boys, the next few games will be crucial in holding a top-four finish for the med in red.


This Friday the Hatchet’s take on War Pig’s United, who sit eleventh on the table. Stay tuned.

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